Second Chances
by Rei Helen
Summary: Zell accompanies the exiled Galbadian President to Esthar and lets some private information slip on television that could result in scandal...but now that's the least of Laguna's problems.
1. Business as Usual in Balamb Garden

_Author's note, eh? Shouldn't the story stand on its own? Oh, well. If you're reading this, you've found the first part of the story "As Yet Untitled". There's no prologue or anything--it starts here. I don't know where it's going to end, but it's probably gonna be a while. A few warnings: fanfic characters ahead. Lots of Irvine and Laguna ahead. _

I don't like the categorizing systems here. The story has aspects of romance, humor, drama, stuff . . . so what am I supposed to call it? Oh well. Hope you enjoy it. Let me know what you think. 

-Rei Helen 

Chapter One: Business as Usual in Balamb Garden

A woman stepped off the ferry from Dollet to Balamb, unable to conceal her smile. She squinted as sunlight glared off her glasses, looking at her surroundings. She followed the sign to the item shop and picked up a couple potions, just in case. 

"There's a bus that'll take you to the Garden in about a half hour," the shopkeeper said. "It's dangerous for a young lady to go alone." 

The woman laughed. "I used to be in the army," she said. "I can take care of myself." She tossed her gold-brown hair and smiled. "But I appreciate your concern." 

Selphie Tilmitt, who was also shopping in the item shop, almost dropped her basket of groceries. The woman looked so familiar . . . 

"I'm heading for Garden, too," she offered. The woman turned and looked at her, then smiled again. 

"You would be," she said. "Selphie Tilmitt, isn't it?" 

Selphie blushed and smiled. She still wasn't used to her celebrity status, but it was had to stay unknown when one had saved the world. She began placing her items on the counter and the shopkeeper rang them up. "That's me, all right," she said. 

"I don't suppose Irvine Kinneas is at the Balamb Garden as well, is he?" the woman wondered. 

Selphie was a little confused. _What does she want with Irvine? _she wondered. 

"Yeah, he's there," she said. 

The woman let out a heavy sigh, closing her eyes in an expression of exhaustion and relief. "I have to see him," she said. "I'm--it's important." 

Selphie's mind began to fly from one possibility to another. _Did Irvine have some other girlfriend back in Galbadia? I shouldn't be jealous--it's not like we're, like committed or anything, but . . .he could have told me! I should have expected this--a guy like him can't settle down with just one girl, I suppose--but . . ._

"I should get going," the woman said. "If you don't mind coming with me, it's probably better to go together." 

Selphie nodded. "Okay . . ." 

"My name's Esarene, by the way," the woman said as they walked through the door. Selphie tried to estimate her age, but found herself at a loss. Probably a little older . . . _too old to date Irvine, _she tried to tell herself. _ Maybe they're friends from Galbadia. Like how Ellone's so close to Squall--there's nothing romantic about it! I shouldn't lose faith in Irvine!_

But she did feel insecure. Next to Esarene, she looked like an immature little kid--_and of course Irvine would rather have a real woman,_ she thought. _He's so slick! Why should I expect him to care about a little girl he had a crush on when he was a kid . . .those things never last in real life._

They took the shortcut across the fields, and Esarene held her own against the Bug Bites and Glacial Eyes with a claw that she strapped onto her glove. After one battle, though, Selphie noticed that she was rubbing her left shoulder and wincing. 

"You're hurt," Selphie said. "I can take care of these monsters, y'know, if you want to rest . . ." 

"No, it's okay," Esarene replied. "It's an old injury. I'm used to it--besides, a little exercise should do me some good." She shrugged. "I've let myself get lazy--let you SeeDs hog the attention." 

Selphie shrugged. "So, uh . . .how do you know Irvine then?" 

Esarene blushed. "It's kind of a long story," she said. "I . . ." She hesitated, then made a curse under her breath. "Behind us!" 

They spun around to attack the two Glacial Eyes who had crept up behind them, and after that Esarene began to ask questions about the mission and wouldn't let Selphie change the subject back to her relationship with Irvine. Selphie felt as if a storm cloud must have been following her by the time they arrived at the Garden. 

"Um, I've got to take this stuff back to the dorms--Irvine's probably hanging around somewhere, but I don't know . . ." 

"Thank you for bringing me here. Hopefully we'll run into each other again, Ms. Tilmitt." 

"That doesn't sound right! No one calls me Ms. Anything--Selphie is fine. Thanks for helping me out, um, Esarene." 

"You're welcome. It was nice meeting you, Selphie." 

Selphie felt as if her smile was just a bit forced, and let out a breath she hadn't known she'd been holding when she encountered Zell. 

"Man, who was the babe you came in with?" Zell wanted to know. "She was . . .whew!" 

"She said her name is Esarene," Selphie replied. "And she's here to see Irvine." 

"What for?" 

"I don't know. She kept changing the subject." _She can't know how I feel . . .unless Irvine told . . .no, he wouldn't do that! He wouldn't make a fool of me, I know he wouldn't!_

"So, did you pick up that stuff I asked for?" 

"Yeah, you owe me three hundred gil." 

"Three hundred?" Zell gasped. "And my SeeD ranking went down today, too . . .you think, after all we've been through, they'd cut me a little slack on the T-board issue . . ." 

* 

Meanwhile, Irvine was completing his morning routine, brushing his hair in front of the mirror in the restroom of the men's dormitory. Squall walked in. "Well, you're up early, Irvine," he grunted. "What is it? Two o'clock?" 

Irvine shrugged. So maybe "morning routine" wasn't quite the right phrase. "I need my beauty rest," he said matter-of-factly. 

"Whatever," Squall said, walking into a stall and shutting the door. 

Irvine pulled a band over his hair with practiced ease and twisted to look at his ponytail in the mirror. He smiled--perfect as usual--and lifted his hat up onto his head. 

_I wonder if Selphie's back from Balamb yet. _

He walked out of the restroom and down through the dormitory halls, making his way towards the SeeD women's wing. Zell came flying around a corner and almost ran him over. 

"There you are, man!" 

"Last time I checked," Irvine replied with a cool shrug. 

"There's some lady here to see you, and _man_ . . ." Zell grinned. "She is _hot_." 

"What do you mean? Who is she?" Irvine wondered. Squall had emerged from the bathroom and was coming down the hall behind them. 

"Yo, Squall!" Zell greeted him. 

"Hey," Squall shrugged in reply. He continued down the hall., heading for parts unknown. 

"Well, at least I got a word outta him," Zell said. "Some things never change." 

"He looks tired," commented Irvine. 

"Too many long nights with Rinoa, I suppose," Zell snickered. Irvine thought he wouldn't mind being worn down in such a fashion, but . . .no. It wasn't right. And now Zell had changed the subject. 

Irvine scratched the back of his neck. "Really, though, what were you talking about? Some hot lady wanted to see me?" 

"Yeah. She came in with Selphie. She told me her name was Esarene." 

"Esarene?" Irvine repeated. He couldn't place it--didn't think he'd ever heard the name before. 

"Do you know her?" Zell wondered. 

Irvine shook his head. "The name doesn't ring a bell," he said. "I don't know. Do you know why she's here?" 

"Nope. Selphie said she wouldn't say." 

"Huh. Well, I guess there's only one way to find out. Where'd she go?" 

"I dunno. Wandering around, looking for you." 

Irvine rolled his eyes. "How about Selphie? Where'd she go?" 

"Back to her room." 

"I'm gonna go talk to her. Alone, if you don't mind," Irvine said. 

"All right," Zell replied. "Don't let me get in your way." 

"Nothing like that, you know?" Irvine said with his trademark shrug. "I wanna find out what's going on, that's all." 

"I see. Well, hope things go well for you. And put in a good word for me with this Esarene. Catch ya later!" Zell jogged away. 

* 

_I'm not sure what I expected, but this wasn't it. _Life went on as usual at the Garden that had raised many of the world's heroes. _Not Irvine, though._ Esarene knew her newspaper clippings well. _He was in Galbadia. To think, all that time, he was so close to me and I never knew . . ._

Young men and women in uniforms strolled through the halls of Balamb Garden, and Esarene felt awkward and out of place. She couldn't bring herself to speak to one of the uniformed students, and spoke instead to a younger boy who was jogging laps around the complex. 

"Excuse me, have you seen Irvine?" 

The young Garden student looked up to see a woman jogging along beside him. "Nope," the boy replied. "He's probably still asleep. He's so lazy. Now, me, I'm training hard every day!" 

"Good luck," Esarene said, and the boy jogged away. She sighed. _ I wonder what he's like. _ She began to hum to herself, a song that came to mind although she hadn't heard it in a long time. _I mean, I've read about him in the newspapers, but that doesn't tell me what he's like. He probably won't like me. _

"That song," a voice behind her said. Esarene turned around slowly. 

"I've always loved that song," she said. She looked curiously into the man's sad eyes. There were just a few wrinkles around those eyes, and she guessed that he might be around forty. The man's casual appearance was enough to put her at ease, though, in comparison to the stark SeeD uniforms. "I can't do it justice, I'm sorry." 

"Nah, it just brings back memories, that's all." He pushed aside his black hair to wipe his eyes. 

"I think it does for a lot of people--we all think of the Sorceress Wars. Once, I actually saw her perform it, live," Esarene said. 

"You mean . . .you saw Julia Heartilly . . .?" the man replied, looking confused. 

"Yeah," Esarene replied. "She was so talented, it's such a shame . . ." The man turned his face away. 

"There's no point dwelling on what-ifs," he said. 

Esarene could see that he was hurting, and she didn't want to pry further, so she changed the subject. "Do you know Irvine Kinneas?" she wondered. 

"Yeah." 

"Have you seen him?" 

"No, I haven't. What do you need?" 

"I need to talk to him," she said. 

"Well, we might be able to page him on the intercom, if it's important . . ." 

"I don't think it's the kind of thing that you'd page someone about," Esarene replied. She blushed. "It's kind of hard to explain." She shifted her weight and winced as she felt pain shoot through her shoulder. 

"Are you all right?" 

"Yeah. My shoulder's getting back at me for putting it through some exercise it didn't want this morning." She rotated her arm, sighing. "It's not bad, really." 

"I understand. Sometimes my leg cramps up on me, and . . .well." He grinned. "You could go see if Irvine's in his room, the men's dormitory is down that hall," he added, pointing. Esarene returned his smile. 

"Thanks," she replied. 

_He looked about the right age to have been involved in the Sorceress Wars, _she thought. _We all lost so much--everyone knew someone who died. How many times have I wondered what if-- _

What if I could see Irvine again? What if my brother had survived? What if my parents . . . 

But it's pointless. That man was right--'what if's will get you nowhere. 

* 

_Whoa, here comes that lady again! All right--gotta act cool. _Zell shoved his hands in his pockets, leaning against a doorframe. 

"Um, excuse me, I'm looking for someone," Esarene said. 

"Well, you've found someone, haven't you?" Zell replied. 

Esarene sighed. "This is the men's dormitory, correct?" 

"That's right. I live here." 

Esarene squinted at him. "That's right, I guess I have seen you before!" 

_Of course she recognizes me,_ thought Zell. _I am, after all, one of the saviors of our world! Haha, it's no wonder that--_

"You're that boy who was talking to Selphie!" 

Zell's attempt at charm was broken. "Whaa--?" 

"So you probably know Irvine, too, right?" 

Zell exploded. "Of course I do! We went through it all together! Do you know who I am?" 

Esarene raised an eyebrow. "Well, um, I . . ." 

"I'm _Zell Dincht! The_ Zell, for Hyne's sake!" 

Esarene took a step back. "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. Please, have you seen Irvine?" 

"He's over talking to his girlfriend," Zell said, emphasizing the words. "I don't think we should bug him right now." 

Esarene raised an eyebrow. _We? What is this kid talking about?_ "If you say so," she said uncertainly. 

"If you want, I could show you around the Garden," Zell suggested. "It's your first time here, isn't it?" 

Esarene shrugged. "If you're not busy . . ." 

"Oh, no, it'd be my pleasure," Zell said. Esarene blinked. 

"Fine. Let's go." 

* 

"Miss Trepe, I've got to do the Fire Cave. Would you do me the honor of being my support?" 

The blonde young lady looked up from her desk to see Lana, a dark-haired Trepie with a ponytail, staring at her plaintively. 

"Well, I need to finish up these reports first," Quistis replied, typing notes written in Headmaster Cid's messy scrawl. _"Go ahead," I said. "You two deserve a second honeymoon," I said. "I'll take care of the paperwork until you get back," I said. "The Garden's in good hands with Squall and the rest of us," I said. I must've been insane. Maybe I can con Lana into helping me._

"The sooner I get this done, the sooner we can go," she said. "How are you at typing?" 

"Not very good," Lana admitted. "But I can try! I'd love to help you, Miss Trepe!" 

Quistis shrugged. Better than nothing. "Okay, I just need you to type a couple sheets up for me. Just as it's written, all right?" 

Lana squinted at the sheets Quistis handed her. "Did a cat write this or something?" 

"Worse. It's the Headmaster's writing." 

"I can't even make sense out of this. What the heck is it talking about? Ammonie and Espinxes?" 

"That's income and expenses. Forget it." Quistis took the papers back from Lana. 

"Can't somebody else do this stupid stuff?" 

Quistis remembered the excuses people had given her when she'd asked a similar question that morning. 

Selphie: Oh, no, I've gotta go shopping! Like, now! See ya!   
Squall: . . .   
Irvine: _rolling over in bed_ Mrrrfff. Go away. Or I'm getting the rifle.   
Rinoa: But I'm not really a SeeD, so I don't understand that stuff.   
Zell: _speeding by on his hoverboard_ What? _CRASH!_ (Xu, in the distance, "Zell, we need to talk.") 

"I think I'd rather go fight Ultimecia again. Alone. Naked, with one hand tied behind my back," Quistis muttered after Lana left. 

"And this is one of our fine, computer-equipped classrooms," she heard Zell say as the door swung open. "Oh, hi, Quistis." 

"When do you suppose--" the woman who accompanied him began, but cut off as she saw Quistis standing up and walking towards them. Her expression was not one of welcome. 

"Zell, sit down." She glared at him. "Now. You are typing Cid's notes for the database." 

"But I--" Zell gulped. ". . . Yes ma'am." 

Quistis and Esarene both hid smiles. "I don't think we've been introduced," said Quistis. 

"I'm Esarene. Quistis Trepe, I presume?" 

"Quistis, what's this word supposed to be?" Zell wondered, already typing away. 

"That's 'velocity'." Quistis said, leaning over to glance at the page to which he pointed. She sighed a sigh of relief. 

* 

"Really, I have no idea who she is," Irvine said. "I've never met anyone named Esarene--not that I can remember." 

"I believe you," Selphie replied. The two of them were sitting on Selphie's bed--just sitting, to Irvine's secret disappointment. "But that just makes it stranger. Why would she be looking for you?" 

"I don't know, she might be a fan or something." 

"She acted like she knew you, though." Selphie blushed. "I thought that she might be, like, your girlfriend or something." 

"No way!" Irvine said. "I've never met a girl who was up to my standards--well, until now, of course." 

Selphie blinked. "Oh, really?" 

"Yeah," Irvine replied. He smiled. 

"And who might this girl be?" Selphie wondered innocently. 

"Well, she's always been very special to me . . ." Irvine began, inching closer to Selphie. "You shouldn't even have to ask." _Now,_ he thought. _Our first kiss . . ._ He leaned in close to Selphie, who didn't seem to mind-- 

"Have either of you seen Laguna anywhere?" 

Selphie looked up. "Laguna?" 

"Damnit!" Irvine cried. 

"Um, excuse me," Rinoa said. "I'll take that as a no." 

"Why are you looking for Sir Laguna?" 

"Because nobody's seen him since this morning." 

"He probably wandered off and got lost or something." Irvine shrugged. "I haven't seen him." 

"Great," Rinoa groaned. "Kiros and Ward are mad--there's some sort of important call from Esthar, and he's not responding to his pager." 

"Good luck finding him." Irvine phrased it as a dismissal, and Rinoa shrugged and walked away. 

* 

"Have any of you seen him?" Rinoa asked Quistis and company. Quistis blinked. 

"Who?" 

"Laguna," Rinoa replied. 

"Laguna?" Esarene repeated. 

"If you've read the newspapers, you must've heard of Laguna Loire," Quistis said. 

"The name sounds . . . familiar . . ." Esarene drifted off. 

"About yay tall, with black hair he's usually got in a ponytail, about forty-four years old . . ." explained Zell. 

Rinoa coughed. "Forty-five." 

"You know that well?" 

"I've been hanging out with Selphie lately," Rinoa defended herself. "I can give you all the stats." 

"I think I did see someone like that," said Esarene. "He was down in the main hallway." 

"When? Where did he go?" Rinoa asked. 

"Um . . .he went down a yellow walkway . . .I think . . ." 

"The parking lot? Cool. Go catch him, I'll go get Ward and Kiros." Rinoa sprinted off. 

"Great, I'll go fetch Laguna." Zell jumped up. 

"You're not going anywhere," Quistis said. 

"Shit," Zell muttered. 

"What was that?" Quistis snapped. 

"Um, nothing, ma'am." 

Quistis turned to Esarene. "Um . . .do you think you could find Laguna? Just keep him in the parking lot." 

"Um . . .okay," Esarene replied softly. "The yellow one?" 

"Yes. There's a sign that says 'Parking Lot'. You can't miss it." 

"Sure." Esarene sounded unsure, but she took the order anyway. _Hey . . .I've got nothing else to do, right?_

She stepped onto the elevator. _What did I expect when I came here, anyway? I just want to see him . . . to talk to him . . . I don't know if I could tell him . . . how are you supposed to say that to someone, anyway? Hey, I know we've never talked before, but I gave birth to you. So, what's happened to you in the last, oh, seventeen years?_

The doors of the elevator opened again, and Esarene stepped through. _The yellow one,_ she thought. _I think it was this way._

She had picked the wrong direction, and ended up walking more than half the circle before she came to the parking lot. _I hope he's still there,_ she thought, jogging a bit, _though I don't know why he'd just hang out in the parking lot . . ._

She pushed open the door. _Oh._ And then made an odd sound as a kid ran by, giggling madly, and a spray of water connected with her ear. 

Slowly she turned to see where it had come from. And saw the man called Laguna, holding a squirtgun behind his back and trying to look innocent. 

The kid laughed. "You're in trouble, Mr. Laguna." 

Esarene wiped her ear. "Mr. Loire?" she said softly. 

"I'm really sorry, I wasn't paying attention . . ." He started walking towards her. Esarene counted four children in the parking lot with Laguna, having put their water fight on hold when she entered. Laguna seemed to be the worst soaked . . . 

_Rather pathetic, for someone who has so much experience with a machine gun._

"It's all right." Esarene sighed. "I'm supposed to keep you here until Ward and Kiros arrive. There's a call from Esthar." 

"Why didn't they page me?" Laguna began, pulling a pager from his pocket. He looked at it, frowned, and tried shaking it. A few drops of water ran down its side to drop onto the cement. "Piece of junk, anyway." 

"Can I have it, Mr. Laguna?" a little girl wondered. The children were gathering around Laguna. 

"Sure, Iana," he said, giving the pager to the girl. 

_This is the president of Esthar? _ She said it aloud before she could stop herself. 

"I'm sorry, I don't think we've been introduced," Laguna said, scratching the back of his head with his squirtgun. One of the kids slipped a squirtgun into Esarene's hand. 

"Huh?" 

"You have to get him back," the small boy explained, giggling. 

"But I'm--" she was about to say she was an adult, but the words stopped in her throat. She lifted the gun, feeling strange with the trigger under her finger. She pointed it at Laguna. "Should I, then?" 

"It's not gonna make much of a difference," Laguna replied with a shrug. "I'm already soaked." 

"Oh, is this lady gonna play with us, too?" the girl who had received Laguna's pager wanted to know. 

Esarene stepped closer and closer to Laguna, still holding the watergun straight out from her body, aimed straight for his heart. She stopped when it was only a few inches from his chest. 

"Bang," she said, sending a stream of water at his chest. 


	2. Isn't Life Strange

_Author's note: Thank you all for reading and reviewing! Um, lemme think, what do I want to say . . . I do have a point to all this, really. As much as any fanfic can have a point. And I don't own the characters of Final Fantasy 8, but Esarene is mine, all mine! So . . . please keep reading . . . hope you like it!_

Chapter Two: Isn't Life Strange

"Bang," Esarene said, sending a stream of water at his chest. He coughed and gasped, pretending he was dying. 

"She got me," he coughed. 

"Revenge is sweet." Esarene blew across the top of her gun. She looked around at the other children. "Anyone else wanna try me?" She exchanged a smile with Laguna, who was sprawled out on the ground after "dying". He lifted his watergun and aimed for her. 

"Laguna?!" Rinoa entered, followed by two men, one rather large, one with dark skin. Laguna jumped up, and Esarene's water gun slid from her fingers. 

"I found him," she said. 

"Your hair's wet," Rinoa noted, "and you're all wet." She hid a giggle behind her hand as Laguna tried to brush the dirt from his fall off his wet clothing. 

"I got a pager," the little girl called Iana said proudly, holding out Laguna's pager. "It's cool, isn't it, Miss Rinoa?" 

"So, um, yeah, I'm gonna go try and talk to Irvine now," Esarene said, her face turning red. She rotated her shoulder. _I didn't think I hurt it that bad this morning,_ she thought. _Sure is acting strangely._

"Oh, um, thanks for finding him!" Rinoa said. She waved at Esarene as she left. "Um, who was that person, anyway?" 

Everyone looked to Laguna, who was off in his own little world. 

"Laguna . . ." Kiros began. 

"Huh? What?" 

"Never mind," Kiros sighed. "Anyway, there's really no point for us to be hanging around Garden any more, right? Cid's already offered to come to Esthar after he's done with his honeymoon, and there isn't much we can do without him. And the phone back at the palace is ringing off the hook. People want something to be done about the monsters." 

Ward nodded. 

"Yeah, Squall did say he would send some SeeDs to help deal with the monsters and the plans for the new Garden," Kiros acknowledged him. 

Laguna scratched the back of his neck. "Then I guess I really should . . .talk to Squall, huh?" 

"Don't tell me that you haven't," Kiros groaned. 

"Of course I have. Just not about . . . that." 

Ward motioned, and Kiros laughed. "That's just like him." 

"Well, I guess there's no time like the present. Ack!" _Leg . . . cramping . . ._

"Are you okay, Mr. Laguna?" one of the boys asked. Laguna grinned. 

"I'm just fine . . ." 

* 

Esarene didn't have any trouble finding the dormitory this time. _At this rate, I'll know the place like the back of my hand before nightfall._ She went down the girls hallway, hoping to find Selphie's room--and Irvine as well. She could feel her hands shaking, and clenched them into fists, wishing she weren't so nervous. 

_I'll just say hello. I don't have to tell him--he won't believe me, anyway. I know he won't. But I have to see him . . .man, my shoulder hasn't ached like this since that Estharian soldier dug his hook into it. It's been almost fifteen years, and I can still feel it aching . . ._

And he was walking down the hall towards her. She stared at him--Irvine, the handsome young man she'd seen in the newspapers and magazines, the man responsible for saving the world. 

"Can I help you with something?" he wondered. 

"I don't know," Esarene replied. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do now." 

"Are you all right?" He could see her eyes shining behind her glasses, tears waiting to fall from them. She blinked, and two tears began to run down her face. She pulled off her glasses to wipe them away, and looked up at him. 

"It's kind of a long story," she said, "Irvine." 

"Who are you?" 

"Esarene Malan Kinneas," she replied. "Please understand, I don't expect you to forgive me, but . . ." This was going all wrong. She wanted to run away, far away--she wished she could do things over again. "I really didn't know. When I came back, they told me you were dead--you and mom and dad, the house burned down." 

Irvine could remember it vaguely--the woman he called Grandma calling all over for him, the strange smell of smoke in his nostrils. He'd never smelled anything like that--he didn't like it. It was so hot . . .not the orphanage, this was before he went to the orphanage, he knew that for sure. He'd had a grandma . . . 

"Esarene." So this was the woman that was looking for him, the woman whom Selphie had met. 

_So much for just saying hello._ "I'm sorry," she said, trying to laugh. "You must think I'm crazy. I probably am." 

"So why did you come looking for me, then?" Irvine replied, thinking that he already knew the answer. 

"Because I wanted to see you," Esarene replied, "for the first time in fifteen years." 

Irvine looked down. "You could be anyone." 

"I know." Esarene also looked aside. "I don't expect you to understand," she said, "I know, it's been a long time, and we never knew each other. You don't have to forgive me. I just wanted to see you, that's all. In person, not just the pictures that went everywhere after you became a hero." She tried to smile at him. "But how many Irvine Kinneases can there be?" 

Irvine couldn't shove the smell of smoke from his memory. "So . . .you are . . ." 

"My name is Esarene," she replied. "We can leave it at that, for now, I suppose." 

Irvine stared at her, mixed feelings churning in his brain. _Can she really be my mother? I was so small . . .I can barely remember coming to the orphanage, let alone anything before that . . .but--the fire--my grandma--_

The woman smiled at him. She reached into a handbag and pulled out a few photographs. "Here, look," she said, giving them to him. 

Irvine looked. The first was of a young woman--not much older than himself--with a tiny baby in her arms, smiling somewhat forcedly and standing in front of a house that looked familiar to Irvine. The style of clothing was from a bygone age, but the photograph hadn't faded--it could have been taken yesterday. The young woman had close-cropped curls and glasses . . .he could tell she was the same woman who stood before him. 

He flipped it over. _Reney and baby Irvy come home._

The next photograph was of two older people, a couple that Irvine recognized, though only vaguely. A woman with red curls just beginning to go to gray held the baby in her arms, and the man beside her had dark brown hair that was beginning to recede from his forehead. They both looked happy. The baby had an odd look on his face, as if he weren't sure how he felt. 

The scrawl on the back said, _Grandma and Grandpa with baby Irvy, six weeks old._

The next picture had a baby sitting at a high chair, cake smeared across his face and hands. He had hair now, hair the same golden brown as the woman's behind him--she was the one from in the first picture, her hair a bit longer, and looking somewhat exhausted but still happy. Irvine guessed what the back would say before he looked--_Irvine's first birthday._

There was a picture framed in the background as well--a picture of two children. One was most likely a younger version of Esarene, and the other . . . 

He went on to the next picture. The boy was about two years old, the boy that he knew was himself and yet looked so unfamiliar. A woman in the armor of a Galbadian soldier knelt next to him, the boy clinging to her in a tight hug. It was a sad picture--both mother and son looked so sad-- 

_"Don't go away, Mama . . .please don't . . ."_

Irvine blinked back into the present, surprised to feel his eyes stinging. He flipped the picture over. _Esarene goes back to the army,_ it said. _Irvy, 26 months._

There was only one picture left, this one older than all the others. Two children--he estimated that they were about twelve and ten--sitting at a piano. The older was probably Esarene, and she stared at the music on the piano in concentration. The younger, a boy that Irvine didn't recognize, smiled at the camera. 

_Reney and Irvy, summer recital practice._

"That's not . . ." Irvine began. 

"That's the only picture I've got of your uncle," said Esarene. "He died before you were born." 

"I need to sit down," said Irvine. _ I need more than that._

Selphie stepped out through her doorway. "Irvine--" 

"Sorry I've been so long," Irvine said. "I . . .uh . . ." 

"Pictures?" Selphie gasped, walking up to where the two of them stood. "Can I look? Can I, please?" 

"Can we go in your room and sit down?" Irvine asked wearily. 

"Sure, come on!" Esarene followed Selphie and Irvine into Selphie's room. The two of them sat down on Selphie's bed, and Esarene took a seat at a desk on the other side of the room. 

"So you came to show him pictures?" Selphie asked Esarene. 

"In a way," Esarene replied. "You're welcome to look." 

Irvine gave the pictures to Selphie. She looked at the one of Irvy with his grandparents. "Oh, how adorable! That baby--" She flipped the picture over, and looked at Irvine. "No way!" 

Esarene blinked, eyes stinging. "That's Irvine." 

"No way, no way!" Selphie gasped. "Oh my god, how did you get these pictures?" 

Esarene opened her mouth, but no sounds came out. Selphie flipped to the next photograph, Irvine's first birthday, with Esarene in the background, smiling across the years. "Oh, is that lady your mother?" 

She looked from Irvine to Esarene and back to Irvine. Her eyes widened in realization, and she clasped her hands over her mouth. "Oh . . .oh my god!" 

* 

"Don't tell me you're going to give up the presidency of Esthar and start a day care center," Kiros groaned. 

Laguna shrugged. "I'm sorry, it's just that I don't get to see children very often. So what was the call from Esthar, now?" 

"A bunch of Elnoyles got into the palace," Kiros explained. "The army pushed them back, but not before they could make a mess of things and put a lot of the staff in the hospital. The secretary of defense says that if we don't get some SeeDs to Esthar for monster control he's going to send a herd of Elnoyles after you, Laguna." 

"Crap. I'd better talk to the commander, then." 

"And Ward says that they've already sent a plane. They should be arriving in a couple hours." 

"So this is it, eh?" Laguna pushed his hair out of his face. _This is it. Now or never. Unless . . ._

"Are you gonna go away, Mr. Laguna?" The president of Esthar belatedly realized that the children he'd been having a water fight with were still gathered around his legs. He looked down at them and sighed. 

"Oh, come on, guys," he said. "You've all got your family and friends to go home to. And I'll come back and play with you guys again. I promise." 

"Will you page me?" Iana held up the pager. 

"Sure." Laguna rustled her hair. "I'll come back and I'll give you a call." 

"But this pager's broken . . ." She looked sad. 

"Laguna . . ." Kiros and Ward were smiling, but they looked impatient. 

"I bet Mr. Zell can fix it, though!" another boy suggested. 

"Yeah, let's go find Mr. Zell!" The children scurried off, calling good-bye to Laguna. He sighed. 

"I guess we'd better head up to the main office," he said. "And we'll talk to him, and make arrangements. And then . . .and then I'll talk to him alone." 

* 

"Irvine Kinneas, please come to the third floor office," a voice said over the loudspeaker. 

"Now what is it, Squall?" Irvine asked the intercom. "Come on, I'm busy, Mr. Commander." 

"Irvine, get up here as soon as possible." 

Irvine shrugged. "I guess I've got to go. Sorry . . .Esarene." He started towards the door. 

"Hold on a second!" Selphie jumped up and caught his sleeve. "I bet your mom would like to meet Squall." 

"Um . . ." 

Esarene shrugged. "Sure, it's fine with me, whatever." 

"All right, come on! This is so great! Irvine, I can't believe you got to meet your mom!" 

Irvine looked at the ground as they walked towards the elevator. _Yes, I got to meet my mom,_ he thought. _But I still don't know a lot of things. Why did she leave? Where was she while I was growing up? She might've given birth to me, but what does that mean, anyway?_

Selphie continued to carry on a conversation as the elevator ascended. Esarene didn't have to say much, Selphie was doing just fine on her own. It was a short ride, and the door opened again. Irvine stepped out first. The two women followed him into the office. 

Esarene's mouth fell open in shock. "What the heck is that?" 

"That's the cockpit," Selphie explained. "That's where they drive the Garden." 

Esarene finally took her eyes off the platform as Selphie dragged her over to shake hands with Squall. _He's even better looking than his pictures,_ Esarene thought. _And young enough to be my son. _She coughed. 

"This is Squall Leonhart," Selphie began the introductions. "And this is President Laguna Loire of Esthar and his two aides, Kiros Seagill and Ward Zabach." 

"Hi," said Esarene. 

"Er, pleased to meet you, but we're kind of short on time," Squall said. _What is she doing here?_ he wondered. "Um . . .Irvine?" 

Irvine shrugged. "What did you want to talk about, Commander?" 

Esarene turned to Laguna. "So where are your children?" 

Laguna turned red. It took him a moment to figure out what she meant. "Oh--oh, they weren't my kids. I don't have any children--well, I don't . . .uh . . .really . . ." He became more and more confused as he tried to explain, and Esarene's eyes sparkled with concealed laughter. The ache in her shoulder was finally subsiding. 

"That's pretty short notice," Irvine was saying. "Why can't you do it yourself?" 

"Cid left Quistis and I in charge of Garden," Squall explained, "and Zell's going to the conference for the new Galbadian Senate in two days. I figure you and Selphie are the best ones for this job." 

"Oh, man . . .of all the days . . ." Irvine leaned in closer to Squall. "First this woman shows up saying she's my mother, now you want me to go off to Esthar? Tonight? Man, I can't take this!" 

Selphie put a hand on his shoulder. "I really think they've gotta talk," she said to Squall. "Can't this wait until tomorrow, at least?" 

"The plane's already on its way," Squall said. "There's no time. This has been put off long enough." 

"Procrastination suits _me_ just fine," Irvine muttered. "When's the plane supposed to arrive?" he asked. 

"It should arrive in about three hours," Kiros put in. "We know it's short notice, but we can afford to pay for your inconvenience. I think that's enough time to get ready. You've got to pack up, too, Lagu--" 

"They're talking to you, Mr. President," Esarene said, nodding towards Kiros and the others. 

"Oh, uh, yeah, of course!" Laguna was blushing again. 

Kiros shook his head. "We should be able to take about fifteen others on the plane," he said. "It'll seat twenty." 

"Quistis has all the records," Squall said thoughtfully. "Come on, we'll go down and see who's best for the assignment." Squall, Kiros, Ward, Irvine, and Selphie headed for the door. 

"So, I didn't catch your name," Laguna was saying. 

"Come on, Laguna!" called Irvine. 

"Oh, sorry," Laguna replied, and started after the others. 

"It's Esarene Kinneas," Esarene said, walking after the rest of them. Squall turned around. 

"Kinneas?" he echoed. 

Irvine sighed and pushed the button on the elevator for the second floor. "It's not a coincidence," he said. "You didn't give me a chance to explain. She's my birth mother. Are you all right, Mr. Loire?" 

Laguna did seem to have turned a strange color. 

"We were separated," Esarene said. "It's a bit of a long story." 

"Breathe, Laguna," Kiros said, as Ward patted the president's back. Esarene blushed. 

"Did I say something--" 

"I'm all right," Laguna said. The doors opened and the group piled out of the elevator. 

"What the hell, I might as well announce it to everyone," Irvine shouted. He yanked open the door to the classroom where Quistis and Zell were working. "Hello, everyone, this is Esarene Malan Kinneas. She's my mother." 

Quistis looked up calmly. "Oh, hello, Irvine. I take it she finally found you, then?" 

Zell, on the other hand, was making strange, strangled coughing sounds. 

_I seem to have that effect on men,_ Esarene thought. _Oh well. Ack!_ Irvine had grabbed her by the wrist and dragged her out into the hall, shutting the door behind them. 

"I want you to explain things to me," he said. "Everything. Since I was born. Where's my father? Why weren't you there while I was growing up? Where did you go? Why did I get sent to the orphanage?" 

"Do you remember anything?" Esarene wondered. "You probably would've been four years old . . ." 

"Only vague things--nothing important. And I don't remember you." 

Esarene closed her eyes. "I met your father when I was in Galbadia's military. He used me, and left me. I had to go back home when they found out I was pregnant--they gave me maternity leave. I was only nineteen, and I was upset at first. I was too young to be a mother. I wanted to give my child up for adoption at first, but I decided against it. I was lonely, I guess . . . my brother had just been killed in the war, and I felt as if I had no one to love. And I learned to love you. When I finally gave birth, I named you after my brother, Irvine. 

"And we went home. It was hard, at first--I had no idea what to do with a baby--but my parents were understanding, and they helped me out a lot. Sometimes, I was afraid you liked your grandma better than you liked me. I got used to it, and eventually I couldn't imagine living without you. After my brother Irvine died, I had given up on myself. Now I felt like I could face myself again. I remember when you first called me 'mama'--when you first told me you loved me. At first I had felt guilty and embarrassed--an unwed mother wasn't something to be proud of--but you loved me, and you were, in my eyes, perfect in every way. 

"But when you were two years old, I was called back to the army. I was going to come back to you when I was finished, and my parents took care of you while I was away. The war was almost over--I thought it would be a month, at the most, before I could see you again. I had only a few pictures I took with me, the pictures I showed you earlier, but I looked at them every day, and kept them in a bag where they wouldn't get dirty. 

"I was hurt pretty bad. You know those strange hook-guns that the Estharian soldiers used to use? My left shoulder got ripped up, my collarbone was broken, and I lost a lot of blood. I didn't get medical attention for a while, and it became infected, and when I finally got to a hospital they thought I would die. I was in there for months before they let me out, and I went home. 

"And found that there wasn't a home to come back to. My house had burned down. Our neighbors said that my whole family had died--you, my mom, and my dad. I couldn't believe it, but you already had a headstone in the Deling Cemetery. It wasn't until later that I found out they'd never found your tiny body--but what did that mean? No one had seen you--how could you have survived?" 

Irvine's face had remained emotionless throughout the entire story. "Come to Esthar," he said. "There's a woman there with the power to let a person see the past through another's eyes. You say things that I think I should remember, but I can't. All I know is there was a fire. I believe you, but I want to see things for myself." 

"Is it all right if I come with you?" Esarene asked. 

Irvine shrugged. "It's simple enough," he said. "I'll just tell them that I won't go unless you're allowed to come too. Laguna won't care--he's easygoing enough." 

"All right," Esarene said. "But won't the President be upset when he finds out I fought with Galbadia against Esthar in the war?" 

"He shouldn't," Irvine replied. "Seeing as he did the same thing." 

"What?" 

"Irvine, get your ass back in here," Squall said, dragging Irvine back into the room. Squall shut the door. _I guess I don't belong in there, _ Esarene thought with a sigh. 


	3. Some Things Hurt Too Much to Say

_I'm really happy with all the positive feedback I've gotten on this fic, but there's always room for more! (said the greedy author.) Haha, I don't think I need any real notes here, other than thank you for reading, please continue, blah blah.... _

-Rei Helen 

Chapter Three: Some Things Hurt Too Much to Say

"Hey, is it all right if my mother comes along to Esthar?" Irvine asked. Squall shrugged. 

"Fine with me," he said. "Why do you ask?" 

"I want her to meet Ellone," Irvine replied. "Is that all right with the rest of you?" 

"She's welcome to come to Esthar," said Laguna. 

"Well, I figured you'd be okay with it," Irvine said to no one in particular. So, what's up?" 

There was a moment of uneasy silence, finally broken by Zell's exclamation, "That woman is your _mother_?!" 

"What did you say to her?" wondered Selphie. 

"What happened? Did you know your mother was alive?" wondered Quistis. 

"Don't tell me...since I've left, all you've been talking about..." 

"She must've been so young when you were born," Zell said. 

"So, do you have a dad, too?" wondered Selphie. 

"Hold on, hold on, all right?" Irvine shouted. "Now you guys are all going to start talking about my mom behind her back?" 

"Sorry," Selphie said softly. "We were just curious." 

"Weren't we supposed to be talking about other things?" Irvine asked. "Like...trip to Esthar...SeeD business...ring a bell?" 

* 

Esarene leaned against the wall in the hallway, waiting for the meeting in the classroom to break up. She heard footsteps. 

"Hi," said Rinoa. Esarene looked up. 

"Hello," she said. 

"We didn't really get a chance to talk, earlier," she said, reaching out a hand to shake Esarene's. "My name is Rinoa. It's nice to meet you." 

"Nice to meet you," Esarene replied. "I'm Esarene." 

"Who knows how long they're going to be in there," Rinoa sighed, motioning towards the closed door. "Are you hungry? We can go down to the cafeteria and get something to eat." 

"That sounds good," Esarene replied. "I've heard the hot dogs are good. Too bad I don't like hot dogs." 

"You don't? Well, there's other stuff. Let's go." They took the elevator down to the first floor. "You do look like Irvine," Rinoa commented. 

"You think so?" 

"Yeah. I can tell you're related. He got his good looks from you, I see." 

"Thanks," Esarene replied. "He looks more like his uncle than me, even. It's creepy--they both have the same name." 

"Really?" Rinoa said. "Is Irvine an only child, then?" 

"Yes," Esarene replied. "Well, he's my only child, anyway." 

"What do you mean?" 

"His father might've had more children," Esarene sighed. "I wouldn't know. Not that it makes any difference." 

"I never realized that any of them might have living relatives," Rinoa said. "I mean, there had to be someone left who was related to them, but you actually found him." 

"Well, his name was all over the newspapers," Esarene said. "And his pictures. I knew that I had to come." 

"Wow," Rinoa breathed. "I wonder if any of the others have family that's out there looking for them. I never realized how lucky I was to know my family--even if my mom passed away, and my father's a jerk, at least I knew them. I wonder if some day, a woman's going to walk up to Squall and say, hello, I've been looking for you for a long time--I'm your mother." 

"I don't know," Esarene said. She ordered a sandwich and a glass of water, Rinoa a couple pieces of pizza. "How much do I owe?" Esarene asked. 

"You together?" the lunchlady asked, and Rinoa nodded. "Nothing. You're a guest." 

"Thank you," Esarene said in a bit of surprise. _It's a good thing. After the trip from Galbadia, I don't have much left..._

They sat down at a table. "What do you do for a living?" Rinoa asked. 

"Oh, I guess I've done some of everything," Esarene sighed. "I've been a waitress, a cook, a clerk, a bank teller, a secretary...nothing major." _Nothing that I really wanted to do. But it kept me alive, and that's all that's important. _

"I see," said Rinoa. "So where are you from?" 

"Born and raised in Deling," Esarene replied. "Irvine was born there. After I got out of the army, though, I moved to Dollet." 

"I was born in Deling, too," Rinoa said. "We were probably there at the same time and didn't even know it. Life's weird like that." 

"Well, if you put it that way," Esarene said. She started on the second half of her sandwich while Rinoa polished off her second piece of pizza. _At this time yesterday, I was in Galbadia. At this time tomorrow, I'll be in Esthar. _

"Why didn't you..." Rinoa drifted off. Esarene knew what she was going to ask. 

"I'd been told he was dead," Esarene replied. She sighed. "It's rather a long story." 

* 

"You didn't bring much with you," Irvine noted. Esarene had only a backpack and her handbag with her as they watched the plane land and waited to board. 

"I sold most of what I had to get here," Esarene replied. "Travel is expensive in Galbadia, now..." 

Irvine stared at her. _What are you going to do when all this is over? _ he wondered. _ Do you even have a home to go back to? _

"So you'll be accompanying Cid when he returns next week?" Laguna asked Squall. 

"Yeah," Squall replied. 

"Just making sure," Laguna said. 

_Just making sure? Whatever... _

"Hey, hey, guess what, guess what!" A girl was running off the plane. She looked to be about fourteen, and her thick black hair was twisted back into a braid that fell down to her waist. "Hey, Dad! Are you surprised?" 

She connected with Kiros at top speed, and her father stumbled backwards a bit. Esarene could see the resemblance between the two-the girl was a bit paler than her father, but they had the same sort of cut to their faces. 

"Very," Kiros grunted, returning his daughter's hug. "What are you doing here, Jochana?" 

"I'm the pilot," Jochana replied, grinning. 

"You're kidding," Laguna put in. 

"Hi, Uncle Laguna!" Jochana gave him another one of her enthusiastic hugs, making Laguna cough. "You know I've been taking lessons." She gave another hug to "Uncle Ward". "And Jenny and 'Banny were so jealous, too..." She looked up at Ward. "I'm gonna teach Deban to fly once I get my license, okay?" 

Ward shook his head emphatically. 

"How on earth did you talk your mother into this?" wondered Laguna. 

Jochana looked around uncomfortably. "Well, um...my teacher said I could...he was helping, so I know she wouldn't care..." 

Kiros shook his head. "We'll talk about this later," he said. "Let me introduce you to everyone. This is Squall Leonhart, this is Selphie Tilmitt, Irvine Kinneas, this is my daughter, Jochana. Oh, I'm sorry, this is Esarene Kinneas." 

"Wow! I've heard so much about you-Jenny is gonna kill me when I get home!" gushed Jochana. 

"Nice to meet you too, Jochana," said Selphie. "I never knew you had a daughter!" 

"Yeah, I always kind of assumed-" Selphie slapped a hand over Irvine's mouth. 

"I've got two, actually," Kiros replied. "Jeina couldn't find a way to stow away on the plane, I suppose, or you'd see her as well." 

"Not for lack of trying," giggled Jochana. Kiros shook his head again. Jochana couldn't help but keep looking at Squall and grinning. "You were right, Dad, he is even better looking than his father!" 

"About time to go, isn't it?" Laguna said, his face turning red. 

They piled onto the plane, Esarene taking a seat by the window. No one took the one next to it, which wasn't surprising. Selphie and Irvine were deep in conversation with a couple other SeeDs, and she didn't want to butt in. _After all, _ she thought wryly, _how would I feel at their age if my mother were butting into everything that I did? _

Esarene was beginning to like Selphie. _ I guess that means I approve of my son's match, _she thought, and laughed at herself. Some of Irvine's mannerisms reminded her a bit of his father, but there was an easygoing frankness to Irvine that his father had never possessed. Thankfully, Irvine didn't look like his father-that would have been a bit much for Esarene to bear. 

_The fact that he looks so much like my dead brother is strange enough..._

She pulled out a small tablet of paper from her backpack and flipped past the various notes to a blank page, and held a pen poised above it. But she didn't write-still couldn't write. Didn't know why she expected that she might be able to write again. 

_Someday, I suppose, I should give up..._ She put the tablet back in her backpack and sighed. 

"May I ask you something?" 

Esarene looked up to see Laguna Loire sliding into the empty seat beside her. "Um...all right..." she said. 

"How did you do it?" 

"Excuse me?" 

Laguna's voice was a bit hushed for some reason, as if he were embarrassed or didn't want others listening in. "I mean...how did you tell Irvine? You know, that you're his mother." 

Esarene raised an eyebrow. "Why do you ask?" 

"Well...I um, you see...uh..." 

"I don't know, I just told him. It didn't really go very well, to tell the truth...but I had some pictures, and I did explain to him why..." 

"What happened?" Laguna asked. 

Esarene told him the same story she'd told Irvine, starting with the birth of her son. She wondered why she was entrusting him with this story, but something about him struck a cord with her, even though they'd only met a few hours ago. 

"So you...at least knew him...for a while," Laguna said thoughtfully. "I didn't even know..." 

"Hmm?" 

"Oh, nothing," Laguna said. 

"Which one's yours, then?" Esarene wondered. Laguna very nearly fell over. "Squall, isn't it?" 

Laguna didn't say anything. He didn't move. It was a long moment before he coughed, then started breathing again. 

"Sorry, it just wasn't that hard to figure out," Esarene said. "After what Jochana said, there wasn't really much doubt about it." _Though I disagree with her, _ Esarene thought, and felt her face getting warm. Hopefully Laguna wouldn't notice. 

"I really didn't know," Laguna said. "It was Ellone who told me, and I thought I should be the one to-and so I came to Garden-but I...I..." 

"Putting it off really isn't making it any easier," Esarene noted. Laguna sighed. 

"I know, but...how do you say that to someone? What is he gonna think of me? How am I supposed to act like a father when I never even knew I had a son?" 

"You were doing a fine job at it earlier today," Esarene said. 

"Yeah, but that's different," Laguna said. 

"What about his mother?" Esarene didn't think that Laguna was the same sort of man as Irvine's father, but she couldn't help but wonder. And then she saw Laguna turning a ring around the third finger of his left hand. 

"She passed away," Laguna murmured. 

Esarene could see that this was only the beginning of the story, but it didn't seem right to press him further. 

_Even though I just outlined my whole story to him, _ Esarene admitted to herself. _Well, not the whole story. The place it really began...in the army...no, when my brother died..._

_I don't blame him for not wanting to say more. Some things hurt too much to say._

"Irvine says there is someone in Esthar who can let him see the past through my eyes," Esarene explained, changing the subject. "That's why he wanted me to come." 

"Yes. Ellone can't send people back into anyone she hasn't met," Laguna replied. 

"How does she do that, then?" Esarene wondered. "What do I have to do?" 

"You don't really have to do anything," Laguna explained. "I know, she's done it to me. Irvine will fall asleep, and then he'll dream he sees things through your eyes, in the past." 

"How does she do that?" 

"I don't know. It's an ability she has. I don't know how to explain it." 

"Oh," murmured Esarene. She looked out the window at the expanse of crystal-blue ocean. "I'm a little...scared..." 

"There's nothing to be afraid of," Laguna assured her. "You won't even know it's happening. Really-she's done it to me before. And Ward, and Kiros." 

"I see." _I'm more afraid of having Irvine see my innermost thoughts--it wasn't a very good time of my life-but I want him to understand. He has a right to know where he came from, and hopefully he can forgive me for being such an idiot..._

"--on a second...um...yeah, it works!" Jochana's voice came on over the intercom of the plane. "Hi, this is your pilot speaking!" She laughed. "Oh yeah, I can't believe I just said that! Anyway, I just wanted to say that we're approaching a bit of inclement weather, and we might experience a little turbulence, but don't worry, I've got everything under control. And yes, Dad, Mr. Aurner says he'll take over if I have any trouble. So, um, yeah, thanks for flying with us today, have a great flight!" 

Kiros stormed through the center aisle up towards the pilot's cabin. Esarene just shook her head and snickered a bit. She wondered what Irvine had been like at fourteen, felt a bit of a pang at the thought. 

Nothing could change the fact that the small boy in the photographs was now a young man of seventeen years, the fact that her son was a stranger to her now. She had left behind everything familiar to come and meet Irvine, so she had to deal with everything as it came. If it meant going to Esthar and meeting a woman to send Irvine into her past, she'd do it, and concentrate on the task at hand. From there on, she didn't know what would come. 

"I wonder..." 

Esarene looked up at Laguna. "Hmm?" 

"What if...things hadn't turned out the way they did? If we'd just had families and lived in peace like we'd planned, would people like Adel and Ultemicia still be working their will on the people of our world? I think I did the right thing, but...but I don't..." 

"I don't know," Esarene said. "What happened, happened, and it came out for the best, right? There are a lot of things I don't understand. Like, why are you, a Galbadian man, the President of Esthar?" 

Kiros was walking back now, and he shook his head in passing. "You should know better than to ask him that," he said. 

"What? Is it not a good story?" Laguna said to Kiros. 

"Huh?" Esarene raised an eyebrow. 

"Never mind, you'll see," Kiros said. 

"What is he talking about?" Esarene wondered. 

"Nothing. Okay, you see, the way it started..." 

* 

"I swear, that story gets longer every time you tell it," Kiros groaned. 

"You were listening," Laguna accused. 

"So was everyone else on the plane. Your voice is loud enough..." 

Laguna looked to Esarene. "So..." 

"Interesting," she said, "but it could have been told better in fewer words. I was expecting a short story, not a novel." 

Laguna scratched the back of his neck. "Was it really that long?" 

Jochana's voice came on again over the static. "Hey, we're approaching the Airstation and we've got permission to land. Geez, I can't believe you were so worried, Dad..." 

Kiros stormed up the center aisle again, muttering something to Laguna in passing. 

"What do you mean, this is all my fault!" Laguna called after him. Esarene had a coughing fit. "Hey, are you all right?" 

Esarene bit back a grin. "Yes," she said, hiding her mouth behind her fist and coughing again. She looked up at him again and smiled, and Laguna found himself returning the smile. 

"Oh my god! We're going down in flames! Just kidding. Yeah, we're going to be coming to a stop in just a couple minutes, so please get your stuff together and prepare to disembark. Thank you for flying Esthar Airlines, and please enjoy the rest of your evening--" The intercom snapped off. 

"I've got to get my bags," Laguna said. "I guess I'll see you later, Ms. Kinneas." 

"Yeah," Esarene replied. "See you later!" _I hope,_ she added silently as he walked away. _I think you're the only one here who doesn't make me feel as if I'm going insane._


	4. Irvine's Decision

_Sorry this one took me a while, it's on the long side though. Hope you enjoy it, please let me know what you think. Thank you for reading!_

Chapter Four: Irvine's Decision

"I see." Irvine had explained the situation to Ellone, and the woman nodded. Esarene sat up straight in her chair, almost as if she were paralyzed. "I can do it. If you're not opposed to it, Mrs. Kinneas?" 

"Esarene, please," Esarene replied. "I'm . . . not a Mrs., anyway. And . . . yes. It's all right with me." 

"All right, then," Ellone said. "I'm going to send you back, Irvine. You can go and do what you'd like, Esarene." 

"What? I don't have to do anything?" 

"No," Ellone replied. 

"All right," Esarene said, standing up. "Thank you, Ellone." 

"Oh, it's nothing," Ellone said. "I'm glad to help Irvine out. We were at the orphanage together for a while, you know." 

"Oh," Esarene replied. Her voice sounded strangely empty. "Until later, then," she said, walking through the door. 

"Nonono, don't shut it!" A girl's voice cried out as Esarene was about to shut the door. She came running down the hallway as Esarene blinked in confusion. "Irvine's in there, isn't he?" 

"Yeah, but he's kind of busy," Esarene said. The girl pouted. 

"It's all right," she said. "He's going to be here for a while, isn't he?" 

"Yeah, as far as I know," Esarene replied. 

"All right!" Something about this girl reminded Esarene of Jochana, and she had a feeling this was the younger sister who had been spoken of. "So you know Irvine, then? Isn't he hot?" 

"Actually . . ." Esarene felt her cheeks growing warm. _What am I supposed to say to that? _

"Just don't be getting any ideas, all right?" Jeina shook her finger admonishingly at Esarene. 

"Um . . . I don't think you need to worry about me," Esarene said. "Um . . ." 

"Sorry--I don't think we've met," the girl said, and she smiled. "I'm Jeina Seagill. Pleased to meet you!" 

"Hi," Esarene replied. "I'm Esarene Kinneas. I'm Irvine's mother." 

"You are? Oh my god, this is so cool! Can I ask you something? Please, please?" Jeina was jumping up and down. 

"Um . . . I suppose you may . . ." 

"Just between you and me," Jeina whispered, "does Irvine have a girlfriend?" 

"What? How old are you? Irvine's got to be five years older than you are!" 

"It may sound like a lot now, but when we get older it won't make a difference!" Jeina said. "True love knows no age." 

"I think he's already got someone he likes, anyway," Esarene sighed._ Well, and I thought life couldn't get any more awkward . . _. 

"What?! You don't even know for sure?! But he's your son!" 

"To tell the truth, I just met him for the first time in fifteen years today," Esarene sighed 

"Ohhh . . ." Jeina said, nodding in understanding. "Does he know you're his mom?" 

"What kind of a question is that?! Yeah, he knows." 

"What about his dad?" 

"Well, aren't you nosy?" Esarene said. "I assume his father is somewhere in Galbadia. It really doesn't matter." 

"That's so weird, that's _so weird_!" Jeina said. "Haha, this time we're going to do it right! See you later, Esmene or whatever your name is!" 

Jeina was off like a rocket down the hall. Esarene stood in motionless shock for a moment, then shrugged. _I guess I'd better go find an inn for the night,_ she thought. 

* 

_(So . . . here I am, thought Irvine.)_

Esarene was one of only ten women in the entire mess hall. She moved like a ghost, like a woman possessed. Nobody cared enough to notice her, and she didn't care enough to notice anyone else. The roar of hundreds of conversations put her teeth on edge. She ate another tasteless meal, washed it down with a glass of water that tasted funny. As she finished, she felt a shadow fall over her. "Esarene Kinneas?" 

Esarene turned to address the speaker. He wasn't a new cadet, but his uniform didn't bear any officer markings. "Yes, sir." 

"You're Irvine Kinneas's sister?" 

"Y--yes, sir." 

"May I sit down?" 

"Um...go ahead." Esarene wasn't used to anyone taking any interest in her, and wasn't sure how to react. The man was probably the same age as she was, and he left the top button of his dress uniform unbuttoned rebelliously. His blond hair was beautifully unkempt, a look that probably took longer to perfect in front of the mirror than Esarene had ever spent worrying about her own hair. Her curls got into horrible tangles when she let them grow out--it was better to leave them short. 

"I knew your brother," the man explained. "My name is Darrion Valdaeve." 

That name explained a lot. Esarene knew of the Valdaeve family; the matron of that clan was the sister of President Deling, and they were among the wealthiest families in Galbadia. She tensed almost as an automatic reaction. 

"Hey, calm down, all right?" Darrion said. "Your brother was a friend of mine. He would always talk about his sister--you two were close, weren't you?" 

Esarene pushed the crumbs of her dinner around with her fork. "Yeah," she said. "We were close." 

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you," Darrion said. "I just wanted to meet the sister that Irvine was always talking about." 

"I'm sorry," Esarene said. "I really don't want to talk about it right now." 

"All right, all right, I understand." Darrion had a smooth, beautiful voice--a voice as beautiful as his face. "If you ever do want to talk--about Irvine, or anything--come to me, all right? You shouldn't have to bear things alone." 

_(I hope I don't come off like that, thought Irvine.)_

Esarene watched him go. That night, the other nine girls in the women's dormitory were all crowded around her. 

"So what did His Highness want with you, Esarene?" one of the girls asked. 

"His Highness?" Esarene echoed. 

"You know who I'm talking about," the girl sighed. "Darrion Valdaeve. He seems to have recovered nicely." 

"Very nicely," another girl giggled. 

"He hasn't been around here since he got injured in that mission," explained Cadallana, the young woman acknowledged as the senior among the female cadets. Even Esarene knew of the mission to which she referred--it was the mission her brother had been killed during. Something having to do with some secret project in Esthar... 

"I guess he knew my brother," Esarene sighed. 

"You need to be careful around a man like that," Cadallana said. "He is a Valdaeve. They're used to always getting what they want--then throwing it away once they lose interest." 

"I'd give him what he wants," another girl announced. Esarene felt her cheeks turning red, staring down at her hands folded in her lap, while the other girls laughed. One of them gave her a hug. 

"Don't look like we're all out to get you, dear," she said. "It's only because they're jealous of you." 

"Well, if they want him, they can have him," Esarene said. "Do you want me to put in a good word for any of you, then?" 

A few hands were raised. Esarene shook her head smiling. Her feelings were mixed. On the one hand, she was a bit wary of this Darrion guy, and on the other, she was a bit honored by his interest. Of course, if he had been a friend of Irvine's, he couldn't be that bad...right? 

_(Oh...oh, Mother...) _

* 

"Welcome back, Laguna." 

Laguna looked up to see a small woman with short brown hair standing in the doorway. "Oh, hi, Anita. How are you?" 

"I'm doing rather well, thank you," Anita replied. "I must say that you've looked better, though." She examined Laguna's face. "You didn't tell him, did you?" 

Laguna twitched and winced. 

"I heard Irvine Kinneas's mother came on the trip as well." 

"Yes, they just went to meet Ellone." He looked at Anita's concerned expression. "That's not the same, all right? She at least knew she had him-god, there's no way that she couldn't know. And I . . ." 

"You can't sleep," Anita finished for him. "And you're getting more gray hairs." 

"I'd rather you didn't talk about that," Laguna said, pushing his hair away from the side of his face self-consciously. 

"I'm surprised he hasn't figured it out for himself." She smiled at him. "Well, I just wanted to stop by and say hello. Go to bed soon, all right? You've had a long day." 

"You're not my mother." 

"Just pretend, all right? Someone's got to make sure you don't get into trouble or hurt yourself." She ran her fingers through her hair and turned to leave. "He won't hate you," she said, stopping in the doorway without turning around. "Just stop worrying about it, all right?" 

And she disappeared down the hallway. Laguna sighed. 

_"I don't know, I just told him." _

Esarene makes it sound like it was so easy. And it was hard for her, but she just did it. She just dropped everything to come and see him. Meanwhile, I can't say anything-and the chance passes me by-and I feel so pathetic... 

I know what I have to do, so why can't I just do it? What makes it so hard to say? 

* 

"That's enough, all right?!" Esarene shouted. "I'm so sick of you people! Can't you mind your own business?!" 

_(I have a bad feeling about this, thought Irvine.)_

"Where are you going?" Cadallana wanted to know. 

"It's none of your business!" Esarene snapped, slamming the door behind her. 

"Where am I going?" she asked the stars above her. 

It was a beautiful clear night, and the stars cooled her temper, as they usually did. There had been days after Irvine's death when she didn't know how she could have gone on living if it weren't for the stars. She could have gone back to the barracks, then . . . made apologies for losing her temper over such a small matter . . . but fate intervened. 

"Esarene?" 

Esarene looked up to see Darrion Valdaeve, and her cooling anger broiled anew. "I'm so sick of all of them," she said, her voice dripping with soft-spoken rage. "They get so petty...so upset over the smallest things...I really can't stand it any longer." 

"Sometimes I feel like everyone's that way," Darrion sighed 

"They talk about you," Esarene added. "But none of them even know you! Just rumors, about how you should behave, since you're the son of the Valdaeve family and all. But-if Irvine-" She stopped suddenly. "I guess I don't know you, either." 

"You know more than you realize," Darrion said. "I get sick of it, too. My dad would've bought me a higher place in the army, but I don't want to be just known as someone from the Valdaeve family, you know? But then, I get here, and no one can get past my name. They're all fawning over me like I'm some sort of sideshow. I didn't choose to be born into this family, you know! Is it too much to ask to be treated like a normal person?" 

"I'm sorry," Esarene said, her voice soft. "I didn't know you felt that way." 

"You don't have to apologize," Darrion replied, his voice smooth _(-too smooth-be careful--). _"You're different, you and your brother. I can see why he loved you so much." 

Esarene's anger was beginning to turn to sadness. It was all she could do to keep going every day, not thinking about her brother . . . memories of Irvine always made her sad. "He was better than me," she murmured. "He had so much talent. If one of us had to die, it should have been me, not him..." 

_(You're playing right into his hands! Can't you see that he's got you right where he wants you? Oh, oh mother...you can't see it, can you? You don't understand...you're just lonely. Always so lonely-and so angry-because you lost him. It hurts...I can ever feel it hurting...) _

* 

Squall put the Galbadian newspaper out on the desk. On the front page were pictures of the three candidates for the presidency of Galbadia, as well as a lengthy article on the elections. Rinoa, Zell, and Quistis skimmed through the article. 

"So he's the one who's favored to win the election, huh?" Zell said, pointing to one of the pictures. Squall nodded. 

"So this is the man we're probably going to be dealing with from now on," he said. "He's from the same family as the last president, but they say he tried to distance himself from them." 

"He looks kinda familiar to me. Are you sure we haven't run into him before?" 

"He's a famous figure in Galbadia," Rinoa put in. "You've probably seen a picture." She looked at the picture and sighed. "Man, I remember him looking good when I was a kid. Time sure took its toll." 

"He's only forty!?" gasped Zell. 

"Something about him . . ." Quistis said. "I don't think we can trust him." 

"You shouldn't judge so much on appearances," Rinoa said. 

"Or else Seifer wouldn't be the only one calling you Chicken Wuss," Quistis said, hiding a smile behind her hand. Zell clenched his fists. 

"_What_ did you say?" 

"Seifer . . ." Rinoa murmured. "So where do you suppose he is now?" Squall shrugged. 

"Why does it matter?" Squall wondered. 

"Well . . . he was with us in the beginning, too," Quistis said thoughtfully. "Fate cast us in different roles, but now that it's over . . ." 

"I'm sure he'll find his place," Squall sighed. "Can we get back on the topic? You've got a lot to catch up on before you go to Galbadia, Zell." 

"I hate politics," muttered Zell. "I'd rather go kick some monster butt any old day!" 

Quistis shook her head. "It figures. Maybe I should take this mission, if it's too complex for poor Zell." 

"Oh, shut up! You just want to escape from the pile of paperwork Cid left you with!" Zedd replied. 

"Well, excuse me if I'm the only one willing to take any responsibility here . . ." 

"Cut it out, please?" Rinoa interrupted. 

"Sorry. We were talking about that one guy, right?" 

"Darrion Valdaeve," Quistis informed him. "Sheesh, if you can't even remember his name . . ." 

* 

Esarene lay on her bed, curled up on her side, crying until she didn't have the energy left to do anything more than sob. She had come home, but everything still felt empty. 

"I wish Irvine were here," she sobbed. 

Her mother sat down beside her. "Esarene..." 

"I'm pregnant," Esarene murmured, the tears starting again. "Oh, Mom, I'm so sorry-I hate myself-" 

Her mother patted her back gently. "Please, Esarene, no one hates you," she said. "The world won't end. Your father and I will be with you-we'll be all right." 

Esarene curled up tighter around herself. "I don't want to be a mother," she whispered. "I'm too young . ." 

"You've got to deal with it, though," her mother replied. "Life goes on." 

"You're not . . . going to scold me?" Esarene murmured. 

"Why should I? You've been through more pain than you deserve already." 

"I can't handle it!" she shouted aloud. "I can't-this can't be real!" 

Esarene's mother hugged her daughter, sitting in silence as she shouted and cried uncontrollably. "First Irvine . . . and now this . . ." 

"You'll be all right," the mother said sympathetically. "We'll be all right. I'm sure the father . . ." 

"He threatened me," Esarene said. "He said, if it got out that he was the father-he would-" She dissolved into unintelligible sounds and moans. Her mother rocked her back and forth, as if she were a child-she was a child. A child who was going to have a child of her own. She felt so scared and confused and helpless. 

"It's not something where you can say, 'all right, I've learned my lesson,'" she choked out. "I'm really . . . really going to . . . be a mother . . ." 

_(Of course she wouldn't want to be a mother. I certainly wouldn't want to be a father, at my age, but it still hurts-to know my mother didn't want me. It hurts.) _

Esarene thought about the child. Nothing showed yet, but she knew he or she was there, inside her. It was such a strange thought. She had never planned on motherhood, but now . . . 

_It's not your fault, _she thought at her child. _I've got to smile, for you. I've got to be . . . strong . . . for you. I _will_ love you. And we will be all right. No matter what other things I may have dreamed of . . . _

From this day on, I'm a mother. A mother. Oh, god! 

"Oh, god . . ." 

* 

"Oh, god." Jochana turned her back on her younger sister. "You're kidding. I can't believe you're stalking him." 

"I am _not_ stalking him!" 

"Oh, come on. You come in here and start telling me about his _mother_ . . ." 

"You met her, too. She came on your plane." 

"And, according to Dad, she got her ear talked off while Uncle Laguna told his how-I-saved-Esthar story." Jochana shrugged. "Maybe now Uncle Laguna will get around to telling Squall . . ." 

"That's gotta be weird," Jeina sighed. "To grow up without a family, and then have your mom-or your dad-show up." 

"But I'm sure you're willing to help Irvine get through it," Jochana replied. Jeina smiled and giggled. 

"And you wouldn't do the same for Squall?" 

Jochana blushed. "You know, if I married Squall, that would make Uncle Laguna my father-in-law!" 

"Like that's ever going to happen." Jeina rolled her eyes. 

"I know. But it's nice to imagine." 

Jeina coughed. "Incest." Jochana picked up a pillow and threw it at her sister. 

"Dork! Shut up, that's not what I meant! Besides, it's not like he's our real uncle." 

"Does that make Squall our cousin?" Jeina wondered. 

"I dunno . . . we don't call Elle and 'Banny cousin, so I guess we wouldn't call Squall that, either . . ." 

"Do you think that when he finds out Laguna's his dad, he'll move here?" 

"I doubt it. He's got all the SeeD stuff to worry about and all." 

"So where are you two going to live when you're married, then?" Jeina had a mischievous grin on her face. Jochana blushed and looked for something to throw. 

"Shut _up_! I know he's already got a girlfriend, all right?!" 

"That doesn't sound like homework to me!" 

"Sorry, Mom!" the girls chimed in unison. 

* 

"Please, don't cry, Esarene. You know we'll take care of him-and the war will be over any day, now. You'll be back before you know it." 

Esarene pushed her father's hand off her shoulder. "It isn't fair," she said. "They shouldn't do this to me. They shouldn't need me. I-Irvine-" She looked down at her son, tugging at her leg. 

_(Oh my god-that has to be--)_

"It's about bedtime, isn't it, Irvy?" she asked him gently. Irvine shook his head emphatically. His bowl-cut red hair swished around his head. 

"I'm not sleepy, Mama," he said. "I don' wanna go to bed." 

"All right, then," Esarene sighed, dropping down to squat beside him. "I wanna stay with you longer, too, Irvine." 

Irvine's eyes lit up. "I'll build you a house! Okay, Mama?" 

Esarene looked up at her father and smiled a tiny smile. "How about we both build a house," she said. "A house for Grandma and Grandpa." 

"I jus' made Gramma a house," Irvine said. The boy and his mother went to where his blocks were strewn across the carpet. Esarene began stacking them absently as Irvine continued his monologue about building houses. "No, no, Mama, I need those!" Irvine said, snatching at the stack of blocks Esarene was making. He looked at his mother's face for a second and belatedly tagged on-"Please?" 

Esarene smiled. "You're the builder." 

Irvine knocked over Esarene's stack of blocks. "Oh no! There's a big-monster!" He knocked over the messy stacks that were his own project, making crashing sounds and laughing. 

"I think you're getting sleepy," his mother said. "You're silly." 

"I'm not sleepy!" Irvine insisted. 

"Come here," Esarene said. "We'll read a book. Before you get any more wired." She lifted Irvine onto her lap and they sat down in a chair. She read to him, a book about a cowboy. Irvine's eyelids were growing heavy. Esarene closed the book, placed it aside, and hugged her son tightly. 

"I love you," she said, tears escaping her eyes. "I love you so much." 

"Why are you crying?" Irvine asked. Esarene managed a smile. 

"Don't worry," she said. "There's nothing to worry about." She began to sing to him. 

_(That song, Irvine thought. I can remember . . . that song . . .)_

And with that, he returned to the present. 

_She always felt so lonely,_ he thought. He could still feel the loss of her brother, her fear at becoming a mother. _But . . . when we were together-she did love me. I know she did. And I adored her. But . . . she was still . . ._

He thought of his father-the man who had used his mother's weakness, and then thrown her away. His poor mother . . . she had been innocent, but she had to deal with the consequences . . . 

She needed someone to protect her, Irvine decided. 

_And I am her son, after all._ "Never again," he said aloud, taking Ellone by surprise. "I'm not going to let anyone hurt her, ever again!" 


	5. Awkward Smile

_The only thing that took me longer than writing this chapter was coming up with a title for it...well, anyway, it's a story. I don't normally do author's notes. I have nothing to say. You don't care what I have to say. So just read the story. _

Chapter 5: Awkward Smile

"Why not now?" Esarene asked herself softly, staring down at the blank page of her blank tablet. She clenched her fist around her pen. "Why...I still can't..." 

The room at the inn looked so very bare and uninspiring. Still, for a second, she'd felt so hopeful... 

A knock at the door. Esarene put the tablet aside. "I'm coming," she said, looking through the peephole before opening the door. 

"Man, I looked all over for you! You could have stayed with us in the palace, you know," Irvine said. 

Esarene blinked at him. There was something different about him, now. So-he knew. Now what? 

"I was..." Irvine trailed off. To Esarene's surprise, he then engulfed her in an enthusiastic hug. "I'm so glad," he said. 

A smile slowly grew on Esarene's face. "I'm still...sorry," she said 

"There's nothing to apologize for," Irvine said firmly. "It's that damn Valdaeve's fault. Man, if I ever get my hands on him-" 

"Irvine..." Esarene felt her eyes stinging with tears. "It was all a long time ago," she said. 

"You didn't have anyone to stand up for you," he said. "From now on, it's going to be different. Grandma and Grandpa and your brother are gone, but you still have me." 

Esarene stepped back to sit on her bed. "I..." 

"I understand, now," Irvine said. "We're family. I really have a family, now." 

They spend most of that night catching up on things, telling stories of the past that they'd missed out on. Esarene told him about the things he'd done as a baby, and Irvine laughed and told her about his experiences from when he'd been at the orphanage, his training as a SeeD, and his mission to save the world. Esarene told him about his family-his grandparents that he vaguely remembered, and the uncle who had died before he was born. There was so much to tell, and each anecdote sparked a new memory to be uncovered. 

"Come back with me," Irvine said, as the sun was coming up over the horizon. "You shouldn't have to worry about finding a place to stay." 

"So I can hang out with all of your friends?" Esarene asked, a bit quizzically. 

"All the guys already think you're hot," Irvine noted. Esarene coughed. "Really, I mean it. I don't want you to have to be all on your own." 

"I don't want to be a burden on you..." 

"I would just be happy knowing you're safe." 

Esarene felt a pang in her shoulder. "And I don't suppose anyone else would object?" 

"Well, I am co-commander of this mission. And Laguna wouldn't care if I told him I was using his courtyard to train Malboros, so he won't object." 

"So now you're putting your mother in the same category as Malboros?" 

"I must say, though, you hide your tentacles well..." 

Esarene frowned. "Don't talk to your mother that way." 

"So you're going to come stay with us?" 

"I suppose I don't seem to have a choice." 

* 

Laguna walked down the hallway, a large stack of books in his hands, carefully balanced under his chin. "Hey, Mr. Loire." 

"Huh?" He lost his balance, and the books fell from his arms. 

"What are you doing?" Esarene began helping him pick up the books. She looked at the titles-they were all kid's books. Laguna blushed. 

"They're for Deban's birthday, mostly," he said. "He's gonna be eight next week." 

"Deban?" echoed Esarene, keeping some of the stack for herself. 

"Ward's son. Thank you," he said, as Esarene walked beside him, carrying some of the books for him. 

"So, Squall will be getting here tomorrow, right?" Esarene said casually. Laguna froze. Esarene raised an eyebrow. 

"You don't need to tell me to do it," Laguna said. 

Esarene smiled. "I know." They continued walking. "Sorry," she added. 

"Why?" 

"For nosing into your business and stuff." 

Laguna shook his head. "I'm not upset with you." He smiled. "Quite the opposite, actually. I think it would be harder for me to talk to Squall if I hadn't met you. Well, here we are." He opened the door to his room carefully. "You can put the books down over there." 

Esarene put them down and looked around at Laguna's suite. She wondered when the last time he'd cleaned up was, as she stepped over a few discarded plates. 

"I'm sorry, maybe you shouldn't look around too closely," Laguna said, stepping in front of her and laughing sheepishly. "I...uh...wasn't really expecting visitors..." 

"Oh well. I should probably be on my way, anyway." 

"Hey, just a second!" Laguna called after her. Esarene turned around, blinking at him. 

"Hmm?" 

"I just wanted to say thank you," he said. "And...I...did you happen to hear who won the election in Galbadia?" 

"Coray Akito," Esarene replied, after a moment's pause. "Is that all?" 

"Um, yeah, I guess," Laguna replied. 

"Okay then, see you later." Esarene left him to himself. She thought that perhaps he would have liked to say more, but couldn't manage it. She supposed, whatever it was, he could say it later. 

_Though, judging from his speed with talking to Squall, it could take him years..._

"You're Ms. Kinneas, aren't you?" The speaker was a brown-haired woman on the short side, dressed in Estharian garb. She looked about the same age as Esarene, and had a gentle, elegant air about her. 

"Um, yes," Esarene said. Everyone had heard about her relationship with Irvine, now, but it was strange that so many strangers knew her name. 

The woman smiled. "I've heard about you from the girls. I'm Anita Zabach." Esarene shook her hand. "Do you know if Laguna's around?" 

"Yes, I think he just got back," Esarene replied. 

"I'm sure he bought too much again," sighed Anita. "He spoils those children terribly. He loves them, but when the day is over, he still gets to send them back to their mothers." Anita smiled. 

"I suppose he's trying to make up for what he missed out on," Esarene suggested. 

"I know that," Anita replied. "Well, anyway-you're going to be staying a while, aren't you?" 

Esarene blinked. "Well, yes, I suppose...I don't really know..." 

"I'm practically everyone's mother around here," Anita said. "If you need anything, let me know. And I'll talk to Laguna about getting you another place to stay. You shouldn't have to be in the dormitory with the SeeDs." 

"Oh, no, I'm all right," Esarene insisted. "I . . . thank you, though." 

* 

"What are you eatin', Irvine?" Selphie asked, leaning around his shoulder. "Crumbs?" 

Irvine spun around, his face pink. "I have got to tell my mother to stop telling everyone baby stories." 

"Oh, come on, why not?" Selphie teased. "You were so cute! I can just see you, little baby Irvy, sitting on the ground-" 

"Jeez, Sefie..." Irvine breathed, looking around. No one seemed to be in earshot, which was a relief. "I'm gonna ask Elle to send me back in your past. And I'm going to get you back. I am." 

Selphie backed away at the annoyance in his voice. "What's wrong, Irvine?" 

"Oh, nothing. I've just been thinking." He lifted the newspaper off his desk and showed it to her. "Did Esarene tell you about who my father was?" 

Selphie shook her head, and Irvine thrust the newspaper in her face. "Akito defeats Valdaeve," she read aloud. 

"My father lost the election," Irvine said. "I'm glad." 

Selphie blinked at him. "I don't understand. You mean-this Valdaeve guy-" 

"How many Darrion Valdaeves can there be?" Irvine shrugged. "Basically, he got my mom pregnant and left her on her own. I really, really hate him." 

Selphie sat down beside him. "You know, I'm really glad that you two are getting along so well," she said. 

"Why wouldn't we?" Irvine replied. 

"I don't know," Selphie sighed. "I wonder if anyone in my family is still alive." 

"You know, after I went through my mother's memories, it made me remember some more things. I can remember the fire that killed my grandparents. Matron-Edea-came...she was too late to save them, but she saved me. I was just three years old-almost four. I knew what it was like to have a family. And I didn't really understand it, but they were gone... 

"I can remember when we met." 

"Oh?" 

"Hm." Irvine nodded. "I was scared and lonely. You hated to see anyone sad, so you tried to cheer me up. You told me that you'd be my family, from then on. And after that...well." He grinned. "We were just inseparable, I guess." 

"Did I say that?" Selphie was blushing. Irvine covered his hand with hers. 

"And it seems like we're going to be inseparable for a long, long time," he said, leaning in to kiss her. _This time..._

"Sir, Commander Leonhart has arrived!" 

"Dammit!" Irvine roared at the messenger SeeD who had just arrived at his door. 

"Um...excuse me..." 

"Thank you for letting us know," Selphie said, standing up to greet the messenger. Irvine buried his head in his hands, cursing under his breath. "Tell him we'll meet with him shortly." The messenger saluted and jogged off. "Hey, Irvine." 

"Hm?" Irvine replied sulkily. Selphie leaned down to place a kiss on his lips. "I guess we should go talk to Squall, huh?" 

* 

Squall Leonhart, commander of Garden, all around cool guy, raised an eyebrow. "Are you feeling all right, Irvine?" 

"I'm...fine..." Irvine replied. Selphie giggled. 

"Welcome back," she said. "How is everyone?" 

"Fine," Squall replied. Selphie made a face. 

"Jeez, is that all you can say?" she admonished him. Squall shrugged. 

"We've been summoned for a meeting with the president," he said. "Cid's already there, waiting for us. Oh-and you're supposed to bring your mother, Irvine." 

"Huh? Why..." 

"I don't know, that's just what I was supposed to tell you." 

"Okay. I'll page her and let her know. After this is done, do you want to go get dinner? I just found this great restaurant downtown..." 

Squall shrugged. "Whatever." 

"Cool," Irvine replied. He fiddled with his pager for a moment, then nodded. "All right then, let's go." 

* 

"You must be Irvine Kinneas," said a man in Estharian robes. "And Selphie Tilmitt. Pleased to meet you." 

"Yes, this is Mr. Arka Pannet," Headmaster Cid put in. "He's the architect we've been working with for the new Garden. And Mrs. Lanalie Harson is in charge of the contractors who will be building it." 

"Pleased to meet you," said a dark-haired woman, also dressed in Estharian garb. Irvine and Selphie shook the hands of the newcomers, and Laguna motioned for them all to take seats in his office. 

"I believe we can get started, then," Cid said. 

"I thought Esarene was supposed to be here," Selphie said. 

"That's another matter," Laguna replied. "We can get started, now. Anita?" 

Anita pressed a few keys on a remote control, and a screen flashed into life behind Laguna's desk. A three-dimensional rendering of the new Garden appeared on the screen. Mr. Pannet began to give a detailed description of the new Garden, and Irvine zoned out. He looked at Selphie, thought about her kiss. Just a little kiss on the lips...but it had been a nice kiss, nonetheless. He looked forward to their next kiss. And he began to wonder... 

"I'm sorry, I hurried over as quickly as I could." Esarene's hair was a bit wild, her cheeks red, and she was breathing heavily, as if she had been running. Everyone turned to look at her, standing in the doorway to Laguna's office. Everyone looked so serious and businesslike, and Esarene's face turned even redder. She tried to tame her curls, feeling everyone's eyes drilling into her. Squall and Laguna's stares were especially conspicuous, and Irvine wanted to smack them for looking at his mother in such a fashion. Never mind that she was wearing a short skirt that emphasized the fact that her legs were far too nice for a woman her age..._when had she purchased that?! _ wondered Irvine. 

"Uh..." Laguna said, fumbling for words. Irvine wanted to curl up in a ball and disappear. _And she doesn't have a clue that she's doing it,_ he realized. _She's really embarrassed about being late-embarrassed! She doesn't even realize- _

Would I be doing the same thing, if she weren't my mother? Irvine shuddered. 

"Come in, have a seat," Anita said cheerfully. "It's all right, we were just going over the plans for the new Garden." 

"Uh...what's that got to do with me?" wondered Esarene. 

"It'll just be a moment," Anita said. "Please, continue, Mr. Pannet." 

Esarene was very quickly lost by what the man was saying. Irvine went back to daydreaming; Selphie was only half listening. Squall figured it was his duty to pay attention, but he didn't really care. It was a struggle just to stay awake. Arka Pannet had a droning voice that reminded him of one of his professors back at Balamb Garden, an old man who spoke in a slow monotone that tended to put his students to sleep. Laguna seemed to be dozing off at his desk, and Anita poked him to wake him up. 

Finally, the discussion was over. Cid, Laguna, Pannet and Harson did some last-minute discussion, and Irvine, Selphie, and Squall were also invited to sign some of the documents cementing the plans for Esthar Garden. 

"I'm starving," Irvine noted, stretching. "Let's go eat now. If that's not a problem...?" he looked to Cid and Laguna. 

"Go ahead," Cid said. "We're just about done, here." 

Irvine, Selphie, and Squall left to go to the restaurant. Meanwhile, Esarene sat almost motionless in her seat. "What am I doing here?" she wondered. 

"I talked to Laguna," Anita said to her, taking her by surprise. "I've got to go pick up Deban from school, now. Talk to you later!" 

"So, if that's settled, I'm going to go see where Squall went to," Cid concluded. "And then we'll be heading back to Balamb in the morning." 

"One more thing--" Laguna began, and Cid stopped. "No, it's all right, go," the president said. "I've just got a question for Ms. Kinneas." 

"All right," Cid said. "We're departing from the airstation at 9:30 tomorrow." He left. 

"Are you going to leave then, too?" Laguna wondered, pacing behind his desk. Esarene looked at the clock, then at the president of Esthar. 

And all of a sudden, her shoulder was aching, and Laguna was clutching his cramping leg. 

"Are you okay?" they both asked at once. They blushed and smiled at each other. Esarene realized how hard it was not to smile with Laguna. 

"I don't know if I'm going to go or not," Esarene admitted. "I don't know where I'd go, really. And I'd like to get to know Irvine better." 

"You're welcome to stay here," Laguna offered eagerly. "You don't even have to stay in the dormitory with the rest of the SeeDs--there's a guest suite here in the palace we could fix up for you." 

"I appreciate the offer, but I don't have the money--" 

"You don't have to worry about money," said Laguna, limping around his desk and coming closer to her. "You're a guest. We're certainly not hurting for money, and you're welcome to stay as long as you like for no charge." 

"That's...a very kind offer," Esarene said, unable to suppress her smile of surprise and relief. "I'm afraid I can't refuse. But what will your aides think of it?" 

"I don't know...doesn't make a difference. I'm the president, after all." 

"Thank you," Esarene said. "I can't thank you enough, Mr. Loire." 

"Laguna," he corrected her. "You don't have to call me Mr. Loire." 

"Only if you quit calling me Ms. Kinneas," Esarene insisted. 

"Whatever you say, Esarene."


	6. Breaking New Ground

Chapter 6: Breaking New Ground __

Author's notes: Oh yeah! That's gotta be the best title I've come up with in a long time! This took me a while, but it was a fun chapter to write. I like it when Laguna and Reney get introspective (though that's just me…the scenes are a fun challenge to write though). I hope you enjoy it!

Chapter 6: Breaking New Ground

"Squall, may I have a word with you?"

Squall just shrugged. The sun was setting over the tall buildings of Esthar, a few birds chirping in the trees around them. A garden was a rare thing in the technological capital of the world, but there was one included in the Presidential Palace complex. He sat down on a bench and looked at Laguna, who sat down across from him. Laguna scratched the back of his head.

"Well, you see, I'm not sure how to say this..."

"You're my father." There was no question in Squall's voice, it was just a statement. "I figured it out already, okay?"

Laguna jerked in surprise, then regained composure. "You...you did?"

Squall shrugged. "Well, it was pretty obvious."

"So...now what?"

"I don't know. Does it really matter?" He stood up and began to pace around. "I'm not mad at you, but you can't just come into my life and expect to be my father. Not when we've never met before. I'm an adult. It doesn't work that way."

Laguna looked down at the ground. "That doesn't change the fact that I am..."

"I know you are. Biologically, anyway. But it really doesn't change anything. Am I supposed to start calling you Dad?"

"Esarene and Irvine..."

"The situation is different." Squall sighed, trying to sort out his own feelings. "Elle really loves you, but I...I didn't know you. I was in your mind, but you're still...a stranger." _And a moron, at times, _he added silently.

"Well, I feel like I should do something—anything I can for you..." Laguna drifted off.

"I'm all right. Like I said, I'm not mad at you. I mean, you're all right, I guess."

__

Thanks, thought Laguna sarcastically. And spoke before he thought about it. "I wish your mother could see you."

Squall looked up at the darkening sky, thinking for a long time. "I guess," he finally said, "things are going to be different, after all."

__

I don't understand...even though we didn't know each other, there's still some sort of bond between us. It wasn't just the hints...I guess I always knew who he was. Doesn't make any sense, how a person like him could produce a person like me. In another world, we might have been...I_ might have been..._ Squall pictured himself as a younger version of Laguna, grinning as his leg cramped up while he talked to Rinoa. 

__

Well...maybe not.

"It's not something we have to figure out tonight, I suppose," Laguna sighed, "but I wanted you to know." His throat felt dry as he fumbled for words.

"Yeah," Squall said. "I'm glad you told me," he added sincerely. "Thank you."

"I…thank you, too," Laguna replied.

"Good night…father." Squall tested the word, to see how it would sound coming out of his mouth. It sounded strange, didn't seem to taste right. Laguna found it strange as well, but he appreciated the effort.

"Good night," he replied.

*

"'Scuse me," a soft voice said. Esarene looked up from the box she was unloading to see a boy standing in her doorway. His straight blond hair fell around his face in a bowl cut, and he held a clothes hanger. "I think you dropped this outside." He was fidgeting, his face red.

"Did I? Thank you," Esarene walked over to take it from his hands.

"You're welcome," the boy mumbled. He dashed off before Esarene could say anything else.

There was so little to unload...the suite was far too large for her few possessions. There was a living room, a kitchen, a bedroom and a bathroom with a shower; everything was spacious, and it looked so bare.

__

I never did anything to deserve this, she thought guiltily. _When I find a job, I'm going to pay him for this room. I can't just live off charity._

She looked at another feature of the room, a computer terminal and keyboard tucked into a corner of her bedroom. She started it up in curiosity, opened a word processor.

__

I can remember the last time I was alive, she typed, _but it was so long ago that I got used to being a ghost. I suppose I can't expect to recover overnight._

"That was easy enough," she said aloud. "I guess…I shouldn't give up yet."

"Hey, Esarene, guess what?!"

Esarene looked up in surprise. Selphie took a step back.

"Your door was open…"

"It's all right," Esarene replied. "You just surprised me."

"Oh, okay. I just had the best idea. You know how everyone's gonna come for the groundbreaking in a couple days?" Esarene barely had time to nod. "We should have a party! A big party, with a dance and food and stuff. I know I can put it together—I love arranging things like this. And it's going to be a lot of fun." 

"I bet." Esarene smiled.

"Do you want to help?" Selphie asked.

"I'd like to, but my time would probably be better spent working," Esarene sighed. "Though I don't even know where to start..."

Selphie blinked at her. "Well, what do you want to do?"

"It's not a matter of what I want to do." Esarene looked up at the ceiling. "Writing doesn't really pay well."

"Hey! I don't know why I didn't think of it before. You're pretty good in a fight, and they're always looking for people to go on the monster-killing patrols. Some of the other SeeDs are going out on them when they need to make some money."

"I guess that is an idea," Esarene said. "Thanks, Selphie. I'll try to help you out if I get a chance, but…" She felt her cheeks getting red. "So, Irvine's going to be your date, I suppose?"

Selphie grinned. "I think so," she said. "You know what would be really cute? You should go with Sir Laguna."

Esarene coughed, her cheeks burning. "You…think so?"

"Well, he's about your age, isn't he? And you're both single…"

"He's seven years older than me, I think," Esarene noted.

"Well, it's not that big a deal. He's such a nice guy—really handsome…"

"Did you just call him 'Sir Laguna'?"

"I dunno, I just came up with that when we were in the flashback with him." She smiled. "It would be fun, wouldn't it?"

"Well…yeah," Esarene admitted.

"You're all red," noted Selphie, giggling. Esarene shook her head.

"You're right, you're right, he's nice and stuff…but…you know," she drifted off.

"And you can't say he's not interested. He falls all over himself every time you're in the same room."

"You mean he's not like that all the time?"

"Only around a girl he likes." Now Esarene was laughing, hiding her red face behind a hand.

"We'll just have to see what happens, won't we?"

"Sometimes it's weird to think of you as Irvine's mom," Selphie said. "I mean, am I telling Irvine's mom who she should go out with?"

"It's funny, isn't it?" Esarene grinned. _You can always find something funny, if you look for it. And that's what keeps you alive._

*

"I was hoping I'd get a chance to see you again," Edea said. "It's been a while, hasn't it, Ellone?"

"It has, hasn't it?" Ellone replied. "And what's your name?" she asked the girl who stood beside the sorceress. She appeared to be thirteen or fourteen years old, with straight, ginger-brown hair tied into a ponytail.

"Lotus," the girl said. She didn't seem shy, but her voice wasn't strong, and she didn't seem to be as vibrant as Kiros's daughters. She regarded the world with a dispassionate expression.

"Cid and I adopted her while we were traveling. I guess this makes me 'Matron' again." Edea smiled.

"There are a couple girls here your age," Ellone noted. "I'll introduce you to them."

"If you want to," Lotus replied. She reminded Ellone of Squall; they both displayed the same quiet indifference. _Comes from a tough life, I suppose,_ Ellone decided. _If I hadn't had Raine and Laguna to love me when I was little…_

…Well, if anyone can bring this girl out of her shell, Jochana and Jeina can. 

"Ellone was one of the orphans I took care of," Edea was explaining to Lotus. "She was the oldest, so she helped me take care of the others…"

Lotus looked at the woman skeptically. "You still wouldn't understand." She spoke with the rebellious certainty of a young teenager, despite the fact that her eyes seemed far too old for her face. _She is like Squall,_ thought Ellone, suppressing a giggle. _Someone has got to introduce the two of them. Squall has to see what it's like to deal with himself…_ "What's so funny?" Lotus wanted to know.

"Nothing, really," Ellone replied. "You just remind me a little bit of someone I know."

"Whatever," Lotus replied. Ellone pretended to cough. "Matron Edea, isn't it about time we headed for the airstation to catch your husband?"

*

__

Ugh. All I want right now is to take a nice hot shower, and then a really long nap. Gah, I really earned my gil today. Esarene felt grimy, sweaty, and disgusting, but at least she had plenty of money to show for it. She had taken Selphie's advice to work on one of the monster patrols, and proved that she still had what it took in a fight. _But I bet I'm going to hurt tomorrow…best not to think about it now. _She felt completely drained, ready to fall down and sleep…but she needed to wash up first. _Good thing no one's about at this hour. It'd be so embarrassing if someone were to see me like this, especially, say—_

"Esarene?" The woman winced, recognizing the voice as belonging to Laguna Loire. _Of all the people…_

"Hey, Laguna," Esarene replied nonchalantly, continuing in her weary trek back to her room. Laguna followed, looking her up and down.

"Are those new shoes?" he asked. Esarene just about fell over.

"Um…not really…" she said, making an odd face and wishing she could disappear. "I know I'm a mess, I just got back from working a monster patrol, all right?" She reached into her pocket and pulled out the day's earnings. "Here, rent for the room. I think it should cover about a month." She _had_ received a great deal—they were desperate for warriors, and Esarene had killed a good deal of monsters…

"Don't give me your money," Laguna replied, pushing her gil back at her.

"I don't want to live on your charity," Esarene insisted, pushing her money back at him. "Take it."

"No, it's okay," Laguna insisted. Esarene glared at him.

"Look," she said, "I'm a mess, and I'm exhausted. The last thing I want to do right now is stand here arguing with you. Just take the money so I can get back to my room, all right?"

"Hey," Laguna began. Esarene deposited the cash in his hands and continued walking. "Wait a second!"

"What?" Esarene turned around. Laguna tried to speak, but his throat felt so dry…

"I…uh, well, I…you see…ah…" His leg was cramping, and he couldn't speak. "Um, never mind."

Esarene smiled at him. "I'll see you tomorrow night."

"Um…okay." Esarene headed for her room, and Laguna just stood there. "I wonder what's happening tomorrow night…"

Ward was waving a hand in his face. "What's your problem?" Kiros asked him. "We've got to catch the plane to the construction site…"

"_I'm_ not surprised." The voice belonged to Dania Seagill.

"You're coming too?"

"I'm sick of being left behind," Dania replied. "And something so important shouldn't be left to just him," she added, looking pointedly at Laguna. Kiros and Dania, Ward and Anita were all standing there, waiting for him. Laguna felt strangely…isolated. He sighed.

"Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go break some ground!" Dania shook her head, and Kiros shrugged.

"You're the one who wanted to come along," he said.

*

The SeeDs sat in the waiting room of the airstation while preparations were made for boarding their flight. Selphie had spent her time staring out the window, watching planes take off and land, but when she looked back into the room she saw Irvine making a rather sour face at the papers he was reading.

"Hey, Irvine, what's bugging you?" Selphie asked. Irvine looked up at her.

"Have you seen the latest report from Zell?" he wondered.

"I think so…he said that things with the new president are going good, right?"

"Yeah, but…a new one came to Squall today." Irvine tossed it to Selphie. "Things with President Akito are going fine, but it looks like that man is making trouble."

"That man…?" Selphie echoed, skimming through the report. "Oh." Her expression was serious. "It's all right, he's just being a sore loser."

"I've got a bad feeling about this. I tried to ask my mother what she thought, but she didn't have much to say about it."

"What did she say?"

"Well…her exact words were, 'I can't do anything about it now, so leave me alone so I can get some sleep.'" Irvine shook his head.

"He can't really back up the threats he's making," Selphie said thoughtfully. "And there's really not much we can do about it right now. So let's not worry, all right?" She smiled at him.

"Selphie…"

"Oh, come on," Selphie said. "Zell and the other SeeDs in Galbadia can handle it, can't they? And we've got other things to worry about. Like the groundbreaking. And the party!" She leaned down over him. "So smile, all right?"

Irvine smiled. He reached out to take her hands in his. "Selphie, I…"

"Now boarding Flight 117 Special to Esthar Garden Construction Site. All passengers please proceed to Gate H immediately for boarding. I repeat, now boarding for Flight 117…"

"All right! I really love flying, don't you, Irvine? Although it would be nice if we could do our flying on the Ragnarok again, don't you think so?"

Irvine's face fell. "Yeah. Sure."

*

Snow continued to fall. 

Her blood continued to spread. White and red. Was all that blood really hers? How much more could she have left, when so much had already spilled out? She couldn't last much longer…

__

It may be hard, but you've got to keep on living, insisted the voice. _Promise me you'll fight. Promise me you'll stay alive._

"Ugh." Esarene awoke, sat up in bed. "This is no time to be having crazy flashback nightmares…" She rubbed her shoulder, which was throbbing worse than usual. _Guess I worked a little too hard yesterday. The pain must've triggered it…I guess I should go take something before it gets any worse. _She got out of bed and winced—her shoulder wasn't the only part of her that was sore. Her arms and legs were a bit achy as well.

"I'm really out of practice," she laughed to herself, heading for the bathroom to get some painkillers. She looked at herself in the mirror, her face illuminated only by the moonlight and the light that was always emitted by the buildings of Esthar. She pushed back her hair, and the face wasn't really so different from the young woman who'd lain in the snow fifteen years ago, sure that death was coming to claim her.

__

But I didn't die. Because…I was asked not to.

And here I am now. Older and perhaps wiser, reunited with the son she had not seen since he was a small child, on the other side of the world, a place she hadn't been since they released her from the hospital and sent her back to Galbadia…

__

It feels like it's been forever. All those years that I spent alone…but that's over, now. I'm not alone any more. Things have changed. I have changed.

I guess, somewhere along the line, I actually grew up.

*

"Oh, grow up."

"You made me lose concentration," Laguna complained, as the cups he had been stacking on the table toppled to the floor. Dania Seagill rolled her eyes.

"You spend so much time over his shoulder," Kiros complained. "If I didn't know better, I'd say you liked him better than me."

Dania kicked him for that. Laguna picked the paper cups up off the floor and set them neatly on the table, leaving them there. He stared at his own reflection on the polished glass surface.

"We're gonna turn in for the night," Kiros announced. "Get some rest. We start out early tomorrow."

He left with his arm around his wife. Dania and Kiros, Ward and Anita…there should be a third pair of names tacked on to that list, Laguna thought. _Raine and Laguna…_

I really haven't done so bad for myself. Heck, it can't get much better than this. I'm the President of Esthar. I've got good friends, friends that mean the world to me. The children that I love so much…my own son…

…but when the night comes, I am always left alone. He undressed and crawled into bed. _Love isn't everything. Another night doesn't matter._

I wonder what's happening tomorrow night…


	7. Starts with an 'L'

Chapter 7: Starts With an L... __

I know this chapter is on the short side, but the stopping point was so perfect, and this way I upload a new episode faster, right? So...here goes. ^_^; -Rei.

Chapter 7: Starts With an L...

"Oh, dear..." Esarene looked at herself in the mirror. "What have you done with me?" She reached for her glasses, placed them on her nose.

"Wow, you look great, Esarene!" Selphie said. "Don't you like it?"

"I don't know what to say. Thank you, Rinoa." The girls were in Esarene's room, preparing for the party that night. Rinoa had styled Esarene's hair and helped with her makeup.

"Do me next," Jochana said to Rinoa. "Come on, I wanna look like that!"

Her little sister elbowed her. "Squall's _her _boyfriend, you know..."

"Shut _up!_ It doesn't have anything to do with that!" Jochana hissed in reply.

"I can help one of you," offered Ellone.

Esarene couldn't help but keep glancing at herself in the mirror. _It always seemed so silly to get all dressed up and made up for something, _she thought. _But I guess it is kinda fun. _

Ellone began pulling Jeina's hair back from her face. "I invited Lotus, but I don't think she's coming. I guess I'm not really surprised, but..." 

"Lotus?" echoed Selphie.

"The girl that Matron adopted," explained Ellone. 

"You'd better have lots of food there, I'm starving," Esarene said.

"We'll head down there soon enough," Selphie teased. "As much as I know you want to show off your beauty..."

Esarene shrugged. "I'm just hungry."

"Oh yeah, sure. I bet his jaw is going to hit the floor when he sees you," Jochana piped up. Esarene froze.

"What? Who?" Her face was quite red. "I haven't a clue what you're talking about..." The girls laughed at her overdone innocence.

"Hmm...his name starts with an L and ends with an aguna!" Jeina laughed. She and her sister found this funnier than any of the others in the room.

I'm old enough to be all these girls' mother, Esarene thought with a bit of a shudder. _They make it easy to forget, though. Well, I guess it's due to my own immaturity...but hey, it's fun. And, _she smiled to herself, _I'm just as pretty as any of them._

*

Selphie had put together quite an affair. There was food and wine in abundance, a large dance floor, and the professional quality of the decorations was up to even Dania's standards. The music left something to be desired, though...the band called themselves "Laser Eye", but they felt more like the sort of thrown-together ensemble invited to play at a wedding because the drummer was the bride's cousin and would have felt insulted if anyone else were asked to play.

Laguna looked handsome and uncomfortable in a suit that must've taken a lot of coaxing to convince him to wear. At least he hadn't adapted Estharian dressing styles. In a suit, his hair brushed neatly back into a ponytail, he looked presidential for the first time. Esarene was quite impressed. He was talking to someone and hadn't noticed Esarene yet, and she smiled a tiny smile.

Irvine seemed to have some difficulty handling the fact that he was at a party with his mother. He seemed nervous, like he was afraid he might be scolded if he stepped out of line. Esarene noticed, and tried to stay out of his way, so he didn't feel like she was breathing down his neck. It still seemed odd-even though they'd only met a short while ago, he was already acting like she was really his mother. _I guess that means I'm supposed to act like his mother, or something. Let me think. _She thought about how her own mother had behaved, and couldn't really see herself acting like that. Her mother...Esarene wished that Irvine could know his grandparents. Her own family had been very close, and she and her parents had shared a mutual trust that most of the other teenagers she'd known had lacked.

Um...god, how would I have felt if my mom came to a party I was at, though? I probably would've been so embarrassed...if I'd ever went to parties...sheesh. I guess I've got to give him his space. She watched as he joked with Selphie. _Heh. And I've got my own target._

And looked to see where the president had gone. Finally, she caught his eye across the room. He was talking to Cid and Edea, and when he saw her, he blinked a couple of times, and smiled at her. Esarene returned the smile from the other side of the room, and he began to cough. Esarene could feel her cheeks turning red. _I think I'm flirting,_ she thought, her eyes dancing. She made her way over to the table to get a drink.

"It's been a while!" Esarene turned to see Rinoa, who had caught her arm. "How are you doing?"

"I'm pretty good," Esarene said with a polite smile. "How are you?"

"Oh, I'm doing good," Rinoa replied. Squall was standing a couple paces behind her. Esarene poured herself a glass of wine, and offered another to Rinoa, then Squall.

"Get over there and talk to him," Rinoa said.

"Huh? Who?"

Rinoa shook her head and elbowed her. "_You_ know."

"He's busy," Esarene said, her face bright red.

Squall looked at the two of them questioningly for a moment, then passed it off with a small shrug. Rinoa kissed his cheek and whispered something in his ear, and he smiled a little bit.

"Appropriate," he said.

It's rewarding to make someone smile, thought Esarene. She excused herself to go after Laguna. Oh, she didn't say that, of course, but..._where is he going?_

Esarene started after him and grabbed his ponytail, and Laguna yelped.

"Just where do you think you're sneaking off to?" she demanded.

"Ah..."

Esarene smiled at him, and saw him turning red. "Would you like to dance?" she asked him. Laguna seemed to have something caught in his throat, but he took her hand. Esarene liked the feel of his hand, his warm palm and fingers...with the colder band of a ring on one of them. She hardly noticed it as they went out to the dance floor. He put his hand on her waist awkwardly, and she rested hers on his shoulder, then giggled. It seemed that Jeina had convinced Irvine to dance with her.

"Ow." It was the first thing Laguna said, and Esarene apologized for stepping on his foot.

"Sorry, I guess I'm not the most graceful person in the world." Would her face ever stop burning? _It's not like I'm some little teenager!_

"It's all right," Laguna replied. Esarene leaned in closer against him. She could see a few beads of sweat forming on his neck.

"Kind of hot in here, isn't it?" she asked him. She felt fine, but then she was wearing a short dress with no sleeves, and he was in a suit...

"I...guess..." 

He seems to have swallowed a whole pond full of frogs, Esarene noted. _But I feel so happy now...I wish I could tell how he felt. _"Is there any reason why we can't go outside for a little bit?" she wondered.

"We can go out on the balcony," Laguna suggested, seeming to regain his voice. Esarene nodded, still holding onto his hand as they walked out to the balcony. They found a place to lean against the railing, and Esarene looked up at Laguna. The wind blew her hair into her face, and she kept having to brush it aside.

"Laguna..." she began. He smiled a bit at her. His smile was a bit like Squall's, somewhat shy, but still so pure and handsome..._though perhaps not as cute as his grin,_ thought Esarene, and she blushed. _God, it's a good thing no one can read my mind._

"It's a nice night, isn't it," Laguna commented. Esarene nearly rolled her eyes in frustration. Instead, she smiled.

"Yes," she said. "I wouldn't mind just standing out here with you all night," she added casually. Her curls blew into her face again, and this time Laguna reached out to gently push her hair behind her ear, his fingers brushing across her cheek. _I haven't ever felt like this,_ thought Esarene. _I could fall into his arms right now..._

"I don't think I'd mind, either," Laguna replied.

"You look really nice. I was so surprised to see you, all dressed up," Esarene noted. Laguna grinned and shrugged.

"Well, I guess I've got to look the part occasionally," he said. "I think...you look really beautiful, tonight. I mean, not that you aren't usually pretty, but, Esarene--"

"You should call me Reney," Esarene interrupted him. She leaned in closer to him. "No one's called me that in a long time."

"All right, Reney." Laguna sounded uncomfortable again. A pain shot through Esarene's shoulder, and she made a face. "You all right?"

"Just my stupid shoulder," Esarene sighed. She began to rub it with her right hand, and felt Laguna's hand over hers. He began to rub her shoulders, and she sighed happily and leaned back against him. Now Laguna's leg began to cramp up, and he stumbled. She turned around and caught him. And they realized that they had each been alone for a very long time.

So they stood there, staring at each other, waiting for the other to make a move.

*

"Go get your mom, Irvine. She likes this song."

"But I don't know where she went."

"Out on the balcony to get some fresh air, I bet."

"Um...all right..."

*

I guess it's up to me, then.

And they both leaned forward eagerly, and their noses collided, and they pulled apart again, laughing softly. They tried again, slower, more delicate this time, not closing their eyes until their lips met.

And they heard a strangled shout and a thump.

*

"He's out. Like a light."

"The shock was too much for him."

"Completely unconscious."

"Irvine, speak to me! Irvine?"

"Somebody get a phoenix down!"

*

Esarene wiped Irvine's forehead with a cool wet cloth, and he finally opened his eyes. "How do you feel?" Esarene asked.

"Odd," Irvine replied. He rubbed his head, his sight still a bit blurry. He watched as his mother's face came into focus.

"Was the Esthar wine too strong for you?" she asked him gently. Her voice was so soft...she was his mother, taking care of him. But she had been...

"I still can't believe it--you were making out--"

Esarene pulled back. _Don't tell me he fainted because he saw me and Laguna...oh, man..._ "Am I not allowed to, then?"

"I...uh, you...I don't know," Irvine said. His head ached. Perhaps the wine had been a bit stronger than he'd expected. "But...but you're..."

"I'm your mother? Is that what you're trying to say?"

"...Yeah."

"You fainted from the shock of seeing your mother kissing someone." Esarene shook her head. "Obviously, I've done more than that, or you wouldn't be here." 

Irvine couldn't imagine--didn't want to imagine. In the eyes of anyone else, she was just a pretty, single woman--she didn't even look that old. And he liked Laguna well enough, but--she was his _mother!_

"It's funny," Esarene said, smiling a bit. "_I'm_ the one who's supposed to be worried about _you _kissing girls and getting into trouble like that."

Irvine was mortified. He'd lived most of his life without a mother instructing him, worrying about him, waiting for him to get home at night. And now, now that he had a mother all of a sudden, he was the one who had to look after her! It gave him a headache.

I think she's been drinking, too, Irvine thought. _But moms aren't supposed to drink!_

"I just don't want you to get hurt, Mom," he said, sitting up.

"Are you all right, then?" Esarene asked. _He just called me "mom"..._

"Yeah...I think...no damage done." He flipped his legs off the side of the cot and looked into his mother's eyes. "How much do you know about Laguna?" he asked.

Esarene thought about it. "He's forty-five years old, he's the president of Esthar, he likes kids, and he wears a size eleven shoe." She smiled. "I've been spending a little too much time with Selphie, I guess."

"No, I mean about his past. What do you know about his past?"

"Why do you ask?"

"I don't want you to get hurt," Irvine insisted. "Laguna--he's been in love before."

Esarene thought of the ring she'd felt on his hand. "I figure, one doesn't usually reach the age of forty-five without--"

"They were married," Irvine continued. "And she died. Laguna's a nice guy, and I know he wouldn't do it on purpose, but he might just be looking through you and thinking of the woman he lost. And when he realizes you're not Raine, it'll be too late."

"Raine...?" echoed Esarene.


	8. No Future in the Past?

Chapter Eight: …No Future in the Past

Chapter Eight: …No Future in the Past?

"You look upset," Selphie said, leaning over Irvine's shoulder. "What's wrong?"

"All I can think about is Laguna and my mother," Irvine moaned. "They were making out. My mom's infatuated."

"That's cute!"

"Cute?!" Irvine sputtered.

"Well, just think. If he and your mom get together…" Selphie giggled. "Hey, are those cookies?"

"Yeah, my mom made them. She said it seemed like a motherly thing to do." He passed the jar to Selphie. "Help yourself to as many as you want. They've got a sort of crispy, burnt texture with more than a hint of ashes."

"I bet they're not that bad." She put one in her mouth. "Ew."

"And she says she used to make a living as a cook. I don't understand it."

"Well, no one is perfect." She raised an eyebrow. "We could go out and feed them to the birds."

"Yeah…I guess…" Irvine sighed. "With all the monsters around, though, there aren't many birds left." After that, the two of them sat in awkward silence until Ellone peeked in the door.

"Hey, what are you two crazy kids up to? I thought I smelled cookies."

"You mean you thought you smelled something burning," Irvine corrected her, holding up a blackened cookie. Ellone took it and took a bite.

"They're better crispy," she said, eating it quickly.

"Then they're all yours," Irvine replied, putting the jar in her hands. Ellone grinned.

"Thanks!"

"Elle—can I ask you a favor?" Selphie said. Ellone nodded, another cookie already in her mouth. "Do you think you could send me and Irvine back into our pasts—like, at the orphanage? I wanna know what it is that I can't remember…I wanna see what we were like."

"Sure." The answer came out muffled through a mouthful of cookie. "When do you want to do it? Today's not good, I'm kinda busy…"

"Do you have a chance tomorrow?" Selphie sounded gentle and a bit apprehensive, but she knew that she wanted to do it. Maybe she could even go back far enough to see her own parents…

"Yeah, I think so. After lunch?"

Selphie nodded. "Fine with me."

"Well, I was just passing through, got a date with one of your friends from Balamb. Let me know if you need to unload any more cookies. See ya!" Ellone left, and Irvine frowned.

"What did you do that for?"

"I want my memories back," Selphie replied. "I mean, what we lost through the GFs…Ellone's power can bring it back, right? I didn't really think about it before, but now there's a gap in the back of my mind, when I try to remember our childhood…it's just barely there, barely out of reach. I can grasp snippets…but I'm missing so much…"

"Okay, I understand." He smiled. "You were a cute kid. It'll be fun."

"Are you implying that I'm not cute now?"

Irvine winked at her. "Well…beautiful is more the word I'd use…but yeah, I'd say you're pretty cute now."

Selphie giggled. "Who says that you're only young once?"

*

Laguna stretched his arms above him and walked into the park. Okay, not a park, really…just a small courtyard within the palace grounds, where there were trees and grass and other living things that the rest of Esthar lacked. Here, one could almost ignore the hum of electricity and artificial glow of the city. Here, he could almost feel at home. It was a pleasant place to come and think, especially on a beautiful day like this.

Home…a funny thing, home. He'd never been that pleased with his original home with his family in Galbadia, and after he'd left for the army, he hadn't stayed anywhere long enough to call it home. There was Winhill…but even when he'd returned there, after the years, there was no place for him any more. Unless he wanted to lie down beside Raine…

Never in his life had Laguna wished for death, and he wasn't about to start any time soon. How could anyone want to die on a day like this? What happened, happened, and there wasn't any point in worrying about it. There was today. There was now. Everything was green and bright with sunlight. He smiled. Life was something he could handle; he didn't want to give it up for anything.

Life had always been enjoyable, but today he felt wonderful…even after a meeting that had droned on for hours, his spirit was light. And now…

He heard something. So, someone else was out here…and she was humming a song Laguna didn't recognize. She sat on a bench in the shade, staring down at a book in her lap, completely oblivious to the world around her. "…now until we meet again…" Laguna read over her shoulder.

Esarene looked up at him in surprise and shut the book self-consciously. "Hello—sorry—"

"Nothing to apologize for," Laguna replied. "How are you?"

"I'm all right, how are you?"

"Good. Mind if I sit here?" Laguna wondered.

"Go right ahead." Esarene smiled at him, her expression as sunny as the weather. Awkwardly, Laguna placed his hand over hers, and she leaned against his shoulder and sighed. She tried to put Irvine's words out of her mind. Laguna was a widower, but his wife had been dead for seventeen years. Laguna certainly didn't seem the type to brood over things, and Esarene knew that when they had kissed last night, he had been thinking of no one but her. _I don't know what's come over me, _she thought. _Or maybe I do. It's been a long time since I even considered it…_

She sighed and looked up at the sky, white clouds slowly wandering through the endless blue. "What are you writing?" Laguna wondered.

"I'm trying to write down the lyrics to a song that my brother used to sing, but I can only remember a few," she explained. "I'm trying to fill the blanks the best I can, but I'm not the lyricist he was…"

"Your brother?" Laguna echoed.

Esarene nodded. "His name was Irvine…he was a musician, and he might have been famous, if it weren't for the war…"

"And you named your son after him," Laguna finished for her. He could hear more in her voice than her words. _So she lost someone close to her as well…_

"He shouldn't have died," Esarene said. "He was too young to be drafted, and they sent him on a suicide mission…everyone was killed or captured except for that man…"

Laguna put an arm around her as tears welled up in Esarene's eyes. She pulled her lips together in a wistful smile.

"It's all right," she said. "It was a long time ago. More than eighteen years…" She looked up at him, eyes drying. _Death is not the subject we want to get on here…let's try something else. _"Did you have any brothers or sisters?" she wondered.

Laguna seemed a bit surprised by the question. "Well, yeah, actually," he said. "I've got an older sister. Last I heard, she was getting married…of course, that was twenty-some years ago…" He gave her a sheepish smile. _I haven't even thought about them in such a long time, let alone talked to anyone about them. Well, Raine, of course…_

It was a strange mix of feelings. When he was with Esarene, the emotions she stirred were both familiar and new. He kept thinking of Raine, but then he'd be drawn back in to the present by a light touch from the woman beside him, just the tickle of her hair on his face or her fingers brushing against his leg. And there was just the day and Esarene, and he was content to sit in silence, with his mind on the present, unhaunted.

Esarene, on the other hand, did not find it so easy to avoid her ghosts. She knew so little of this woman in Laguna's past, other than that he had loved her dearly. But he had also left and never returned, never knew of the child she bore until he was reunited with Ellone…Esarene almost felt as if she could feel Raine's ghost staring down at her. She shuddered—it was an uncomfortable feeling, being stared at as if she were a trespasser—

"Esarene?" Laguna had felt her shudder, and interpreted it as more sadness. He would have to comfort her, she obviously needed someone… "It's all right, Esarene."

Laguna didn't find her unwelcome, and he was warm and solid and real, as opposed to any specters born of her imagination. He was willing to hold her and didn't ask any questions, and his touch had somehow managed to ward off the ghosts. 

"May I see your writing?" wondered Laguna. Esarene blushed.

"I'm sorry, it's kind of embarrassing," she said. "You'd probably just laugh at it."

"No I wouldn't, I promise," Laguna replied. Esarene shook her head.

"I'd rather not…" she said warily, her fingers clutching the cover of her book.

"Why not?"

"Because it's no good!" She knew she was turning red. Laguna had been a writer as well—although as a journalist, not a writer of fiction—and she didn't want him to see her pathetic snippets. The muse seemed to be waking again, but it was slow in doing so, and the pieces of lyrics and prose in the book were embarrassing, even compared to the work she'd done in her teens.

"Can I just see a little?" Laguna tried to pull the book from her hands, and she yanked it back.

"No!"

"Geez, I'm sorry." He sulked a little, and Esarene relaxed her grip. _I guess he does learn his lesson—_

The thought was interrupted as Laguna snatched the book out of her grasp. Esarene made an indignant noise and reached for it, but Laguna held it out of her reach. When she stood up to grab at it, Laguna got up and took off.

Esarene chased him across the grass, finally tackling him and forcing him down to the ground. When Squall arrived, she had Laguna pinned beneath her, and the two of them were panting, grass-stained, and laughing. He raised an eyebrow.

"Mercy," panted Laguna. Esarene took the book back from him and rolled away to sit beside him. He propped himself up on his elbows and looked down at his green-stained khakis. "I hope that washes off…"

"You deserve it," Esarene replied, breathing heavily and grinning, clutching the prize that she had wrestled away from him.

"I wasn't actually going to read it…" Laguna looked at her plaintively. Squall cleared his throat, and the two finally realized they were not alone.

"Anita told me I could probably find you here, but maybe I should come talk to you later…" he said.

Laguna was about beet-red by this point; Esarene was also a nice shade of pink. The two of them stood up and brushed themselves off while Squall shook his head.

"Kiros decided you should probably hold a conference on the coup in Galbadia," Squall said. "No hurry, but he's waiting in your office." Squall walked away casually, and Esarene cursed.

"He wouldn't…he wouldn't do that…" she murmured. "Besides, he's too stupid to get away with it. There's no way…"

*

"People like stability," Anita sighed. "I suppose Valdaeve managed to convince enough people that Akito was going to change the way that they had lived for generations, and they now have a president from the old ruling family."

Esarene was clenching and unclenching her fists. "The idiot…" she murmured. "I should have known that he wouldn't stop at anything to get his way…"

"So this Valdaeve is a famous figure in Galbadia?" Laguna asked obliviously. Esarene felt her face turning red. "I don't really see much we can do now…I don't believe that this is a legitimate government, so we'll refuse to recognize it, of course, but with our history of isolationism…"

"I doubt he'll be happy with that," muttered Esarene. "This feels worse and worse…"

"Galbadia is far too unstable to pose a threat to us now," Kiros put in. "These things happen, in order to build a lasting government—"

"Do you know who this man is?!" Esarene called out suddenly. The many discussions at the table fell silent, and all eyes were on her. She had only been allowed in the meeting of Esthar's leaders as the voice of someone who knew Galbadia, and some of the council members doubted the justification for a woman who was already rumored as being the president's girlfriend. She swallowed hard; she had to put her personal pride aside for this. "Darrion Valdaeve fathered an illegitimate child while he was in the army, many years ago. He abandoned the mother and threatened her family if they let word out to the media about the child's fatherhood. Who am I to talk about his past? Well, that child was Irvine."

Laguna stared at Esarene in disbelief. Of course, some rational part of him had known that Esarene's son had to have a father somewhere, but he didn't give it much thought. This news certainly wasn't something he expected…his feelings were somewhere between shock and sorrow. He put a hand on her shoulder, and she shook her head. "I'm fine," she said, sounding stronger than she felt.

"You're probably right, and there's nothing we can do now. But we can't just sit and do nothing—we've got to watch him--"

"Can you all hold on a second, please?" Laguna grabbed Esarene's arm and dragged her out into the hallway. "Would you please explain this to me?" he hissed.

"There's not much to explain that I didn't say already…"

"Yeah…but you mean that you…"

"It doesn't matter what I did. I know him, Laguna…enough to know that he can't be trusted…"

"Yeah, apparently you do know him, if he's Irvine's father—"

"That doesn't matter!" Esarene shouted. Laguna stepped back as if she'd slapped him. "We can talk about it later, if you really want, but you've got other things to worry about now, don't you? This isn't about me…he's stupid, but he's powerful, and he's dangerous."

Laguna blinked at her. "I'm sorry…Esarene…"

"You didn't have any trouble putting your personal problems aside to save Esthar before," Esarene said softly. "It's really none of your business, anyway." She opened the door and went back into the meeting, which continued in a much more professional manner. Esarene was only called upon to answer questions about Valdaeve and Galbadia, and she got out of there as quickly as she could.

__

I suppose I should tell Irvine, she decided, _what an idiot his father is being. _And she put other matters out of her mind…for the time being.


	9. One Reason

Chapter Nine: One Reason 

_Author's ramblings: I actually didn't intend for Laguna and Esarene to end up...ah...romantically involved. Reney wasn't even going to play a large part in this fic, and it was going to be more about the family members of the other characters, exploring their pasts, etc. But Esarene proved fun to write, and she ran into Laguna, and they fell in love with each other. Esarene has become a favorite character of mine, and I'm glad that you readers seem to like her as well. I'd like to thank everyone who has read and reviewed Second Chances. You give me the strength and inspiration to keep writing and brighten my days. I hope to keep writing fic as long as people are enjoying it._

Chapter Nine: One Reason 

Irvine was whimpering when Esarene found him. "What's wrong?" she asked him. 

"I saw...Valdaeve...on television..." he murmured. Esarene winced. 

"Think about who you are, Irvine," she said. "Just because he did that-you're a better person, Irvine, and it doesn't matter who your father is-" 

"That's not it," Irvine moaned. "I'm going to go bald, aren't I?" 

Esarene blinked. "Normally you get that gene from your mother's side," she said slowly. 

"Oh, thank god!" cried Irvine in relief. Esarene raised an eyebrow. 

"But my dad's hair was starting to go," she said. "He was fifty, though..." But Irvine wasn't listening, just whimpering again. "So what are they saying on television?" she wondered. 

"He and some others of the old Deling crowd have seized power," Irvine replied. "There wasn't much violence; Akito and some of the members of her administration are seeking asylum here. That...that man says he has a plan for restoring Galbadia to greatness, or something...something he won't disclose to the public..." 

Esarene bit her lip. "I hate to think," she said. 

"We should go there now," Irvine said. "A SeeD special force could take him out of power and put the right president back in power, no sweat..." 

"No," Esarene replied. "You understand why we can't do that...he hasn't given us reason to interfere. It's Galbadia's business, not ours. I hate him too, and we've got to watch him and catch him in something unforgivable-something unforgivable not just to you and me." She could feel her hands shaking, and she looked around the room. "Did you already eat all the cookies?" 

* 

"Laguna, are you all right?" Anita put a hand on his shoulder. After the meeting, he'd gone back out to the park to watch the sunset. He leaned back against the bench, arms stretched out, and watched as clouds drifted lazily along the Esthar skyline. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" Anita asked him, motherly as usual. She sat down beside him and waited for him to collect his thoughts. 

"You know that I've never been good with this kind of thing," Laguna said. "I always just end up making a fool of myself." 

"Oh?" Anita waited for him to elaborate. 

"I probably shouldn't even care," Laguna sighed. "Why should it matter what she thinks of me, anyway?" 

"Because she's a friend," Anita replied. "You can leave it at that for now, if you like, but there's nothing wrong with caring about her." 

Laguna put his hand to his forehead and looked down. "I don't know..." 

"I haven't seen you like this in all the time I've known you," Anita said. "The girls have tried to push women on you before, and you've played along, but I don't think anyone's really been able to touch you..." 

"Except you," Laguna pointed out. Anita rolled her eyes and smiled. 

"There are a million reasons not to get into a relationship, though," Laguna said. "It doesn't feel quite...respectful." He was playing with his ring again. "And I don't think I could handle losing someone, again. The two women I've loved both died young; is it something about me?" 

"You know that's ridiculous," Anita interrupted. 

Laguna sighed again. "Besides, my life is full enough as it is. I've got my work, my friends...you're all like a family to me. And I have Squall...I already have more than I deserve..." 

"Maybe," Anita replied. "But is that the way you feel when you're with her?" 

Laguna winced. 

"Sometimes, when there are a million reasons to say no, one reason to say yes is enough," Anita continued. "Or maybe the girls have just turned me into a matchmaker. But we all just want to see you happy, and it feels good to see you smiling from the heart." 

Laguna smiled. "You don't have to worry. I can take care of myself." Anita hid a snicker behind her hand. "What, what's so funny?" 

"Mothering you has been fun," Anita said. "I feel kind of sad about turning you over to another woman. Hate to think how I'll be when Deban grows up and is getting married, huh?" 

"He'll probably do that before I do," Laguna protested. 

"I doubt it," Anita replied. "Poor Banny is almost as awkward around girls as you are." 

"Hey..." 

"Think about it. You should probably get to work," Anita said. "Let me know if you need anything." She gave him a hug before she left. 

_One reason to say 'yes' is enough..._

* 

Laguna hadn't realized how easy his life had become until things became difficult again. Trouble in Galbadia was threatening the peace of Esthar, and on top of the political problems there was his relationship with his son and with Esarene, who might have been his girlfriend-he wasn't really sure-he felt rather uncertain about everything. 

_Me, depressed? That's ridiculous. Things could be worse._ He looked back into his past, remembering his childhood, his family...running away to join the army to escape being forced into the family business...meeting Ward and Kiros, going to the bar in Deling to watch Julia... 

"Um...Laguna?" 

_Julia?_ Laguna looked up suddenly, and felt a blush spreading on his face. It was Rinoa who stood on the other side of his desk, not her deceased mother...he really had to pull himself back into the present. She had sounded just like Julia-and for a second, he'd really thought... 

"I wanted to talk to you about Squall..."Rinoa continued uncertainly. Laguna nodded. "It's always been hard for him to show his feelings..." 

"So I've heard," Laguna replied. "You probably know him better than I do..." 

"Yeah, that's why I wanted to talk to you," Rinoa said. "Cause Squall's too much of a wimp to do so." She smiled...she had her mother's smile, Laguna noticed. "I think he's scared to face you 'cause he doesn't know what he's supposed to say." 

"I can understand that, I think," Laguna replied. "It's...awkward..." 

"But I think it's great," Rinoa interrupted. "I mean, all his life, Squall's felt alone-like he didn't have a family. But now he's got a father, and Ellone's like his big sis again. So I don't want you to feel bad about telling him, or think he hates you or anything. You did the right thing. Squall's just having trouble getting used to it." 

"Not exactly my idea of a normal family," Laguna noted wryly. 

"I, for one, am glad you're his father," Rinoa replied. "Even if he can't admit it, he does have some fun genes in him. He must get his quiet-ness from his mother." 

Laguna nodded. "Raine was rather serious, like Squall," he said. 

"At the rate things are going, looks like Squall may be getting a new mother as well, eh, tiger?" Rinoa grinned, and Laguna choked. "Are you all right?" 

Laguna tried to regain his balance. "These days," he coughed, "_everyone_ is a matchmaker." 

* 

Esarene spent the rest of her day fighting monsters. Today she worked with a rifle borrowed from her son, a sort of weapon she hadn't picked up in years. Her aim was slowly improving, but she had several slashes in her left leg when she had misjudged a monster's speed. She cast a healing spell, but it was working slowly, and she had to limp back to the palace sooner than she would have liked. 

_Damn him,_ she thought at both Laguna and Valdaeve. _I can't concentrate with all these thoughts swimming around in my head. Why do men have to be such idiots, and why do I have to fall for them anyway?_ Each step jarred her injured leg, and she didn't want to try the stairs up to her room. Instead, she decided to go lie down in the garden and let the healing spell do its work. 

She found a dry, comfortable spot in the grass and lowered herself down with a bit of a whimper. Her leg wasn't the only thing that hurt...her shoulder was beginning to ache as well, and she could feel her years as a soldier coming back to haunt her in various aches across her body. 

"If I'd have known it was gonna make me sore for years to come, no way would I have become a fighter. No. I'd have found some cozy little job, like a waitress, until I found some guy to marry and live a perfectly normal, peaceful, boring life and have perfectly normal, peaceful, boring children..." 

"I don't see you as a housewife, Reney," a voice drawled behind her. Esarene craned her neck to look at the speaker, and wished that she hadn't. It hurt. He came around to sit down in the grass beside her. "Though if fighting hurts you this much..." 

"It's not that bad," Esarene replied. "I just got hurt today, that's all. I'm getting better." 

"Are you sure you're all right? Your leg's torn up..." 

"I'm fine. You should have seen it before I cast the healing spell." 

Laguna shuddered. "You're sure?" He reached out to her, then pulled back. 

"It's all right," Esarene sighed. "I'm not angry anymore." 

"I'm sorry...I shouldn't have pried..." 

"It's a bit of a sensitive subject." 

Laguna nodded. "It's hard for me to talk about my past as well." Esarene snickered. "Well, um, I mean, the painful parts." 

"It isn't so much the remembering that hurts," Esarene said, "but the wondering. What if I hadn't done that? What if I did something else instead? I should have..." 

Laguna tried to shake her questions off of himself. "Everyone wonders that," he said. "But you can't change anything...what happened, happened." 

"I suppose so," Esarene replied. "I mean, I guess things didn't turn out so bad. If I hadn't...made the choices that I did, Irvine wouldn't be here. I love him dearly...but once in a while he'll do something-little, tiny things, or if I glance at him for just a moment-and he reminds me of his father." 

"Sometimes it hurts for me to think of the choices I made," Laguna replied softly. "But...I did what I had to, I think...and things turned out...for the best...for this world." 

"It must have been wonderful," Esarene sighed, "to be in love and married and everything. Even if it was for just a short time-I used to long for just that feeling." Laguna got a far-off look in his eyes. "I mean, you don't regret a moment of it, do you?" 

"It was the happiest, most beautiful time of my life," Laguna replied. "Sometimes it does hurt to remember, but most of the time, I'm just glad I was lucky enough to know her for the time that I did." He looked to Esarene. "You're probably wondering why I didn't go back to her. I never knew that she had a child-our child-but I found out that she passed away. I couldn't bring myself to go back to Winhill, and I threw myself into Esthar. It became my life." 

"I suppose I owe you my story, then," sighed Esarene. "It's a pretty common one. Girl falls prey to a boy's promises, ends up left behind with a child. I became the sort of person I had looked down on all my life. I guess it serves me right, but it was the sort of thing I thought could never happen to me." 

Laguna scooted closer to her, relaxing back in the grass as she continued. 

"It's kind of funny how back then he would always say that he hated his family, that he was different, he didn't care what they thought...lies that made me fall for him. And I wanted so badly to believe him...even after he left me, even after Irvine was born. A part of me hoped that he would come and apologize, tell me that his family had forced him to leave me and threaten me, and then he'd ask me to marry him...I was that naïve. And at the same time I hated him. Sometimes I hated myself, for getting into a situation I couldn't handle. And sometimes I was too busy to worry about anything else." 

"Your parents still helped you," Laguna pointed out. "And certainly things came out for the best that you didn't marry Valdaeve, and Irvine never knew his father." 

"I guess," Esarene replied. "Don't worry about me, I've learned to look on the bright side of things, most of the time, anyway. I don't feel sorry for myself." 

"Your son accepted you so easily..." 

"Well, Ellone did send him back into my past..." 

"Squall's been in my past," Laguna noted. 

"Oh..." Esarene drifted off. She didn't know what she should say. She knew what she wanted to say-_Laguna, I think I've been waiting my whole life to meet you, you feel like the other half of me that I've never known_-but she couldn't bring herself to say it. There will be time enough, one part of her said. _But we're not getting any younger,_ another argued. 

"Laguna," Esarene said softly, "I'm...really glad that I met you." _Oh, real slick,_ a voice in her head intoned sarcastically. 

Laguna reached out to put his hand on hers. "I'm, um, really glad that I met you, too," he said, fumbling for words but only repeating hers. And the planet turned as they lay still until the sun set and the only lights were the moon, the stars, and those of Esthar. 


	10. In Dreams

ffviii10

Chapter 10: In Dreams

"Presidential shocker!" Selphie read emphatically. "Loire reunited with long-lost son, Squall Leonhart. Laguna's mystery lady..."

"Huh?" Irvine looked over her shoulder at the tabloid newspaper she was reading. The words were written in tall, black, bold print, and there were photos of Laguna, Squall, and Laguna and Esarene together. Some photographer had managed to get a shot of his mother and the president kissing at the recent groundbreaking ball. "Gah! Long-lost son? _Mystery lady?!_"

"Um...it's not like anyone was trying to keep it a secret..." Selphie began.

"Well, no one is gonna believe a stupid tabloid, right? That could be anyone in that picture. It's too grainy to tell..."

"Has the eternal bachelor President Loire finally found his dream woman?" Selphie continued to read.

"They've been waiting ages for this," Ellone commented, entering the room. "The tabloids, I mean. Laguna's been rather boring up to this point-he hasn't done anything scandalous until now, and they're eating it up."

"But who would believe that Laguna is Squall's father?" Irvine wanted to know.

"Um...he is," Ellone replied, giggling.

"Whaaa?" Irvine exclaimed. "But...but...they're practically opposites! And...and..."

Selphie was still giggling at the tabloid article. "Thousands of Estharian women will be disappointed by the snatching up of Esthar's most eligible bachelor," she read aloud.

"What?" sputtered Irvine. "But he's old!"

"He's still a _sexy_ old man," Selphie replied. Ellone snickered. "And if Laguna's old, then so is your mother."

"_My_ mother isn't even forty yet," Irvine corrected her. "If she sees this..."

"Knowing Esarene, she'll probably have a good laugh over it," Ellone interrupted. "Which is about all it's good for to any of us."

"I guess," Irvine agreed reluctantly. Selphie set down the tabloid.

"So...are you going to send us back?" she asked.

Ellone nodded. "So long as you still want to go," she said. The two nodded. "How about the day Irvine came to the orphanage?"

"Sounds good to me," Irvine replied. Selphie agreed emphatically.

"Yeah! Let's go!"

*

The new boy was curled up on his bed, crying again. "Gramma," he whispered. "Grampa. Momma..."

"He's worse than Zell," commented Quisty, as Sefie looked in on him again. 

"Why is he so sad?" wondered Sefie. _(Poor Irvine. He's just a little kid. He doesn't know what's going on...or that the people he loved are really gone.)_

"I dunno," Quisty said. "He's too little to know. He's a baby." Quick, thumping footsteps came closer and closer, and Squall ran by, Seifer in hot pursuit. Seifer slapped Quisty's shoulder.

"Tag! You're it!" Seifer cackled, and Quisty took off after him.

"I wasn't even playing, you dumbhead!" she yelled. Sefie watched them run away, then looked into the room where the boy was still crying. He sounded so sad...

"People're playing tag outside, if you wanna come," she said uncertainly, standing the doorway. "'s fun..."

The boy whimpered something Sefie couldn't understand, so she came closer. "What?"

"'M not allowed," the boy moaned, a little bit louder this time. He looked up, and she saw there was a big bandage on his cheek, and a smaller one on his forehead. His arms and legs had bandages on them as well. Was this why he'd been hiding from everyone?

"What's your name?" Sefie wondered.

"Irvine," the boy sobbed. "Go 'way."

"No," Sefie replied stubbornly. "I don' want anybody to be sad. I'm Sefie," she introduced herself. "Even if you can't play tag, I got some marbles we can play with. I'll go get 'em." She ran off to her room, retrieved her bag of marbles from its hiding place under her bed, and returned to Irvine. He wasn't crying any more, though his eyes were still red and puffy and he looked miserable.

"Why're you sad?" Sefie wondered. Irvine stared at her distrustingly for a moment, but decided he could put some faith in her.

"Cause my momma and my gramma and my grampa are all gone," he whispered. "Now I'm all alone and I don't have any family."

Sefie blinked at him. "You had a momma?" she said.

"Yeah," sniffled Irvine. "Don't you?"

"I never had a momma or a daddy or anybody," she said. _(I guess I must have been orphaned when I was a baby...that's sad. I doubt if I'm ever gonna find anyone related to me...)_ Sefie brightened up a bit. "But I got Matron and Quisty and Zell and Elle and Squall and Seifer," she said.

Irvy wiped his nose. "Huh?"

"I can be your family," Sefie continued. "It sounds like fun."

"How can you be my family?" Irvy asked.

"It's just pretend, silly!" Sefie giggled. "I'm gonna call you Irvy, 'kay?" She opened her bag of marbles. "And I don't let anybody play with my pretty marbles 'cept me, but since you're my family, it's okay." She picked out a big, milky white sphere swirled with green and yellow and held it out to Irvy with a ceremonial air.

"Pretty," Irvy said, taking it from her.

"'Sa present for you," Sefie said.

"Thank you," Irvy said, and he tried to sit up and winced, tears welling up in his eyes.

"What's wrong?" gasped Sefie.

"I got burned..." Irvy whispered.

"Sefie, whatcha doin'?" Zell was peeking into the room.

"'M playin' with Irvy!" Sefie replied.

"We're playin' hide'n'seek outside..." Irvy started to cry again.

"I wanna play," he whimpered.

"You gotta get better," Sefie told him. "I know, 'cause Quisty got sick once. You just gotta wait until you get better and then we can play whatever we want!"

Irvy sniffled. "Really?"

Sefie nodded, grinning. "Yeah!"

*

"Are you busy, Laguna?" wondered Esarene. She'd come directly to Laguna's rooms that morning, a rolled-up newspaper in one hand. She had come across the infamous tabloid as well.

"Never too busy for you," Laguna replied, and Esarene blushed a bit. "So, what's new?"

"I'm a celebrity." Esarene waved the cover of the tabloid at Laguna. He took it from her hands and read it.

"Estharian woman gives birth to Gayla...two-headed Elnoyle to wed in private ceremony...Presidential shocker?!"

"I wish they'd used a better picture," Esarene said. "That one makes me look fat."

"You're delusional. Ugh, look at that face I'm making." Laguna looked at the article. "This is horrible!"

"I thought it was just sort of amusing," Esarene replied. "I mean, word is going to get out that we're together."

__

Together? The word echoed in Laguna's mind. "Are we...like...officially, I mean?" he stuttered. Esarene giggled.

"Well, I sure hope so," she said. "'Going steady,' you mean, or something like that?"

"Um...I guess..." He shuffled through papers on his desk nervously.

"You are busy, aren't you?" Esarene said. "And I'm going out on patrol today. But if you wanna stop by my room later, you're welcome to do so."

*

__

Where is he going? Irvine didn't like the look on Laguna's face as he walked down the hallway. He seemed just as happy-go-lucky as usual, but he was getting dangerously close to the guest wing where his mother was staying. Irvine stopped behind the corner, froze, and peeked around slowly. Laguna was completely oblivious to his presence, and Irvine continued to trail him.

__

He's going towards her room, all right. And she's all alone...no! I can't let this continue! Irvine clenched his fist in determination.

"Hey, Laguna, fancy meeting you here!" Laguna turned around to see Irvine standing there with a shaky, obviously fake grin pasted on his face.

"Oh, hi, Irvine!" Laguna smiled. Irvine almost rolled his eyes. _He's so dense._

"Isn't it a little late, Laguna? I'm sure you've got a big day ahead of you, being president and all..."

"Oh, I'll be all right," Laguna replied. He continued walking, and Irvine continued following him.

"Where are you going?" Irvine asked.

"I'm just going to visit Esarene."

__

Dammit. The false smile shone on Irvine's face. "That's funny, that's where I'm headed."

For the first time, Laguna sensed that something was amiss. "Really?" he asked.

"Yeah," Irvine replied, nodding emphatically. "I need to talk to her and get to know her better, seeing as she is my mother. _My mother_," Irvine repeated forcibly.

Laguna shrugged. "That makes sense. Isn't it kind of late for a chat with your mom?"

"She said I could stop by any time," Irvine replied with a shrug.

They both knocked on her door at the same time. "Hold on a second, I'm coming!" Esarene called. She opened the door, and blinked in surprise. "Hello, Irvine. Hi, Laguna."

Irvine gave a bit of a gloating look to Laguna, as if to say, "she said 'hello' to me, first!"

"Come on in," she beckoned. She motioned for them to sit down. Laguna took the couch on one side of the coffee table, Irvine the loveseat on the other. She looked back and forth between them, then took a seat on a chair.

"So what brings you here?" she asked politely.

Laguna and Irvine looked at each other, then to Esarene. "I wanted to talk to you," they said in unison, then glared at each other. Esarene snorted.

"I see," she said, one eyebrow barely raised above the other. "Well, then." Laguna and Irvine were both watching the other, paying little attention the third person in the room.

The clock ticked. "I'll go put on some water for tea," Esarene offered.

"Tea sounds good," Irvine said.

"Yeah, tea is good," Laguna added.

Esarene shrugged and headed for the kitchen. She shut the door behind her, started the water running, and let out a guffaw of laughter that she couldn't hold in any longer.

"What's going on in there?" Laguna wondered. Irvine shrugged and pulled out his deck of cards. 

"How about a game?"

"But I thought you only played with girls," Laguna noted.

"It's something to do," Irvine muttered. "Rules?"

"Better stick with plain, no specials. I'm not very good." Laguna dug out his own pack and chose five likely-looking cards.

The score was Irvine: 3, Laguna: 0, and one tie by the time Esarene returned with the tea. She set a cup in front of each of them, and filled them with steaming hot tea. Irvine and Laguna both reached for the sugar bowl at once, as Esarene sipped her cup without any sweetener. Irvine and Laguna were wonderful entertainment. Irvine kept sneaking menacing looks at Laguna, which were returned by Laguna's entreating ones. Neither wanted to be the first to leave--Laguna wanted to be alone with Esarene, and Irvine wasn't about to give him the chance. Both grew sleepy, but neither excused themselves, though they pointed out plenty of reasons why the other should go to bed.

Esarene saw right through it. It was rather amusing. Laguna's sentences weren't fitting together well anymore, and Irvine could barely keep his eyes open, but neither of them would leave before the other.

Eventually, the two of them were asleep. Esarene found two blankets in the closet and covered each of the men with one of them, tucking them in with motherly care. She sighed, looking between them--the two men who had filled her empty life.

There was Irvine, curled up on the loveseat, looking reminiscent of both the tiny child he'd once been and the brother she'd lost before his birth, but she also saw the young man she'd gotten to know over the past few weeks. She'd never realized how much she missed him until they met again. She brushed his hair away from his face and kissed his cheek.

She moved over to sit by Laguna, who lay sprawled on the couch. They had so much in common; he'd given her happiness she'd never known before. She stroked his cheek, leaning in to kiss him good night as well.

He stirred, his lips moving. "Raine..."

Esarene pulled away suddenly, and Laguna just mumbled something incomprehensible and rolled over. She stood up, looking down at Laguna with a look on her face that didn't begin to express the pain in her heart. She stepped toward the doorway, looking back one time before she switched off the light.


	11. Back in the Day

Chapter 11: Back in the Day __

Why yes, it IS a new chapter of Second Chances! Are you as surprised as I am? Not much else to say.

-Rei

Chapter 11: Back in the Day

Laguna awoke and looked around the room. _Oops, _he thought. _I guess I never did go back to my room last night._ The loveseat across the room from him was empty, and sunlight was streaming in through the window. _Oh well, it's Saturday, I'm allowed to sleep in._ He stretched and yawned.

"Oh, so you're finally up?" Esarene walked into the living room, wearing a long bathrobe over her nightshirt. She apparently hadn't been up for long, either. Even in a robe with her hair all messy, she still looked pretty darn cute...

"Um, good morning," Laguna said, blushing.

"Morning," she replied. "You know you talk in your sleep?"

"I still do?" Laguna laughed a little. "Raine told me..." He drifted off, and Esarene turned away and left the room.

"I've-got coffee on," she said. "I made enough for you, if you want some."

Laguna followed her into the kitchen, and wrapped his arms around her from behind. "I wish I could've had you to myself last night..." he murmured, kissing her hair.

"That's all right," Esarene replied awkwardly. _Argh, how can it be so hard to resist him?_ She couldn't push him away-it felt too good to be there. "Laguna..."

"Yeah?"

"Talk to me about Raine."

Laguna was silent for a moment. "I don't know what to say."

"You must have been dreaming about her..."

"Oh, man, what did I say in my sleep?" Laguna laughed, but the sound was awkward.

"Just her name."

"I don't remember my dreams," Laguna sighed, "but I probably do dream about her from time to time."

"I don't want you to think I'm jealous or anything, but I'm confused..." murmured Esarene. "I don't want to, like, take her place or anything, if I'm not welcome."

"That's ridiculous! Esarene...why wouldn't you be welcome?"

"I mean...you loved her, didn't you? And you still love her. No matter how long it's been, that love doesn't just die, does it?"

"Of course not," Laguna sighed, "but she is gone. It's been seventeen years. I've accepted it." He was squeezing her more tightly now, and sounded choked up. Esarene winced. _If you've accepted it, then why..._

"Don't cry..." she murmured. "Have...have you ever talked to Squall about her?"

Laguna bit his lip. "I haven't had a chance," he said. "I still...can hardly face him." He looked up over her shoulder and caught a glimpse of the clock. "Oh, damn! Kiros and Ward are gonna have my head, the meeting starts in ten minutes! I've got to go! See you later, okay, Esarene?"

"Okay..." echoed Esarene, as the President of Esthar took off at a run.

__

Yes, that's right, Reney...the President of Esthar, she told herself. _What on earth have I gotten myself into, falling in love with this man?_

*

"What's that, Seifer?"

"Nothing," the boy snapped. "Go away."

"I'm just curious..." Selphie pulled back apologetically. "Um...are you crying?"

"No, I'm not! Go away!" Seifer whirled around, drawing back his hand to strike her. He didn't, though, staring at something over Selphie's shoulder. She turned around to see Irvine, standing there in his bandages and shaking with anger.

"Don't...don't you dare hit her..." he said, breathing heavily.

"Irvy..."

"Oh, so you're coming to the rescue, are you, new boy?" Seifer walked by Selphie, coming towards Irvine.

"I...I don't want to fight you now," he said, meeting Seifer's eyes.

"You're different." Seifer looked the orphanage's newest resident over. "Not a crybaby like Zell, and not like Squall, either." He clenched his fist around whatever it was that he'd been looking at when Selphie had come into the room. "But who cares!" he shouted. "Pretty soon, my mom's gonna come back and take me home, just like she promised! And I won't have to see any of you." Tears were welling up in his eyes again. "She promised!"

With that, he ran from the room.

__

(Poor Seifer...he was just the same as all of us, thought Irvine. I guess we all had our problems.)

"Where are you going?" Irvine asked.

"I gotta go make sure he's okay!" Selphie replied, running after Seifer. In his injured state, Irvine couldn't keep up with her.

"But-he was gonna hit you!" Irvine called after her.

Selphie stopped in the doorway of Elle's room, where Seifer had run to. "Sis--sis!" he bawled, and Ellone hugged him. "My mom's gonna come back, isn't she? Isn't she?"

Selphie hung back, then cried out as someone ran into her-Squall. _(Man, talk about déjà vu!)_ He only looked at her for a second before he ran into Ellone's room, not bothering to apologize. "Sis, it's almost time," he said.

"I'm sorry," Ellone replied. "Okay, I'll take you now." She got up and left Seifer staring at something in the palm of his hand.

*

"I was just a child," Ellone said, back in the present with them. At this rate, trips back into the past were going to become a habit. "But sometimes I wonder if...what happened to Seifer...was my fault. I mean, I loved all of you, but I always loved Squall most of all... after all, he was Uncle Laguna and Aunt Raine's son. And I didn't realize I was being mean to him..."

"No way!" Selphie replied. "It isn't your fault! Seifer loved you-you were nice to him!"

"But I was always nicer to Squall..." Ellone sighed. "I wonder where Seifer is...if he's even alive."

"What was that thing that he had, do you know?" Irvine asked.

"A locket," Ellone replied. "His mother gave it to him, when she left him with Edea."

"His mother left him?" Selphie began. "Then it's no wonder that he's-"

"It's not like that," Ellone interrupted. "Things were being torn apart. Seifer's mother knew that he would be safe with Edea, but she wanted to come back for him when the war was over."

"Did she?"

"No," Ellone sighed. "She was killed, about a year later. But Edea didn't have the heart to tell him for some time after that...not when it was all he looked forward to..."

"Do you remember...what happened to my parents?" Selphie wondered.

"No, not you or Zell," Ellone replied. "You were really small when a man brought you two to Edea. He only knew that you'd been found in Esthar cities that had been attacked by Galbadia."

"Huh?" Selphie gasped. "So...coming to Esthar is kinda like...I'm coming home, isn't it?" There was a long silence.

"Let's try for a happier memory next time, shall we?" Ellone said. 

"We don't mean to bother you-" Irvine began, but Ellone put up a hand to stop him and laughed.

"No, no, it's not a bother! Just like old times, isn't it? It's nice to relive these memories with you two. Maybe I should try it with Squall, hm?"

Selphie giggled. "You could try to bring out his inner child," she said.

"What? Wasn't he always just the same?" Irvine replied.

"Aw, that poor kid," Ellone sighed. "All of us poor kids. And the cycle repeats itself...you remember that girl with Matron--her name was Lotus?" Irvine shook his head, and Selphie frowned.

"Vaguely," she said. "I heard that Edea and Cid adopted her, anyway."

"She used to be in an orphanage, for children who lost their parents in the Second Sorceress War," Ellone explained. "I think she was the oldest, like me...but she's like a miniature, female version of Squall. There's a wall around her."

"It's sad," Irvine sighed. "It happens to too many children..."

"But it shouldn't happen any more, right? There's peace in the world now, right?" Selphie said.

Irvine frowned. "Not if my fa--not if Valdaeve has his way." He slammed his fist onto the table. "Dammit! What the hell is that man thinking?"

"Irvine-" Ellone began.

"I have to do something! If nobody stops him, he could throw the world into chaos again. If, with my gun, I could--" He broke off.

"You could be an assassin?" Selphie said. "And shoot your own father?"

"I...I was ready to shoot Edea, wasn't I?" said Irvine, a bit sheepishly. "But....I hate him. For what he did to my mom, and what he's doing now...I really, really hate him."

"Calm down, please!" Selphie said. "It's all right. If he gets into trouble, you know that SeeD and Esthar won't stand for it."

"But that would mean war, and more deaths...more orphans..."

Ellone put a hand on Irvine's shoulder. "You're a good kid," she said. "Your heart's in the right place, but think about it. If the president of Galbadia were to be assassinated by a member of Garden with ties to Esthar, do you think that the government would stand for it? They might have treated Seifer's action as independent, but are they going to believe the same thing twice? If you kill Valdaeve in such a way, he could become a martyr, and we'd be facing yet another world war against a Galbadia united in hatred."

Irvine let himself unwind a bit. "Dammit."

"Have a little faith. Galbadians aren't stupid. Give them time to realize what kind of man they've allowed to become their leader, and they'll come to their senses. I know it's hard to just sit and wait, but it's the most peaceful choice."

"Dammit." Irvine repeated. Selphie lay her hand down on one of his clenched fists.

"We'll talk to Sir Laguna about it," she said. "There's gotta be something he can do."

*

"Hmmm, hmm mmmm..." Esarene hummed, scribbling on a sheet of paper. The top was a mess of scribbled-out words, the rest of the page a mess of doodles. "Well, this was a complete waste of time." She crumpled up the paper and threw it aside, missing the trashcan. "Crud." She stood up, bent over to pick up the ball of paper, and tried again. It hit the rim, but bounced out onto the floor again. "Stupid piece of-" she began, picked up the paper a third time, and hurled it into the trashcan with all her might. It hit the bottom, then bounced back out yet another time.

She placed the trash in the can a final time, gingerly, half expecting it to be spit back out in her face. _I almost feel like there's a ghost, watching me..._ She shuddered. _That's-absurd! God, Esarene, back in the day you used to prize yourself on your cynicism. But really, you were just a naïve little girl-you still are._

And if we had known each other then? 

Would we have been friends, or rivals? It's not like I even have a clue what she was like. Hah...back then, I was hardly more than a child--just as old as our children are now. My parents would tell me that he was too old for me-that he would only get me in trouble.

So I let someone else get me in trouble, instead. Things turned out all right in the end, I guess...

Arghhh! No, they're not all right! I'm in love with the President of Esthar, a widower with a past and a kid and an ex-wife who seems to be haunting me-not to mention the fact that the father of my son seems to have a meglomaniacal complex!

I gotta figure this out, before it's too much for me to handle.

I hope it's not already too late...

*

_My mind is made up,_ thought Esarene, stepping quickly through the hallway. _My mind is made up, I am not going to look at him and turn into an idiot because he is good-looking and I'm in love with him..._

"Gah!" 

_Okay, so I'm in love with him. But I've made up my mind._ She replayed the scene in her head...Laguna was in love with someone who died seventeen years ago. _Why did I drag it out so long?_

"Esarene...." 

"Maybe you'd better not come tonight, Laguna," Esarene said, her voice soft and cold. "You're probably getting behind in your work."

"It's all right, Ward and Kiros will take care of things," Laguna insisted. Esarene might've given in to his entreating smile, but she remembered seeing him sleep--remembered those same lips whispering her name. _Her_ name. The woman to whom Laguna belonged, and always would belong. Irvine was right--he was just looking for a replacement.

__

Isn't that enough? a small part of her cried pathetically. She pushed it aside. It was better to nip this in the bud.

"Besides, there are other things I should do tonight."

Laguna looked disappointed. "Like what?"

"I don't know--it may seem like a foreign concept to you, but maybe I'll spend time with my son?"

She might as well have slapped him in the face--it would've had a similar effect. She knew it was his weakness, and used it against him, and loathed herself for it. He'd confided that secret in her, trusted her...

__

Because when he looks at me, he sees Raine.


	12. Lonely

__

Heh...does anyone actually remember this story? I've always intended to finish it, really, even though it has been almost a year since the last update. I'm trying to get my act together on some old unfinished stories, so look for more frequent uploads! I hope...

Chapter 12: Hungry Dreams

"Where's your boyfriend?" Irvine asked. Esarene shrugged.

"I'm sure he has something more important to do than hang around with me," she said. "Beside, we've got a lot of mother-son time to catch up on, right?" Esarene forced a smile; her son could probably see through it, but she didn't care.

"Um…I guess…" Irvine said.

"What's wrong?"

"Just, when you say it that way…you sound too much like a mom," Irvine said, and laughed a little. "Like you're going to start 'the talk' with me, or something."

Esarene turned red. "Oh, geez…I don't know if I'm even qualified for that…don't you get that stuff in SeeD training?"

"Now now, Mom, just because you weren't around to raise me doesn't mean that you have to miss out on all the joys of motherhood. Or is your own conscience getting in the way?"

"Insolent boy, that's none of your business." She sighed. "For what it's worth, just because I had you when I was young does not make it okay for you to be stupid, so be responsible and--oh god, you and Selphie are just too _young_ for that!"

"Mom, that's none of your business," Irvine replied, mocking her tone.

"Eghh…" Esarene squeezed her eyes shut. "Do you want me to act like your mother, or not? I mean, I suppose if I'd raised you and you lived with me, it would be my business, but since I haven't seen you I haven't exactly been responsible for you, I…"

"Don't worry about it," Irvine said, laughing out loud at his mother's outburst. "We've only even kissed a few times."

"Well, I should know from experience that it doesn't take much," Esarene replied. "And though I don't regret bringing you into the world, I think I'd have done a better job at motherhood if I were older and wiser."

"It also would have helped if you weren't called to the army, and our house hadn't burned down," Irvine pointed out.

"Well, that's all in the past," Esarene said. "There's too much to think about in the future for us to dwell on it. You're a smart kid. I'll have to trust your judgment."

"I think I'm a little big for you to call me a kid," Irvine protested.

"Well, you're still my kid, so I can call you whatever I want," Esarene replied. "And you'll still be my kid when you're fifty and your hair--or whatever's left of it--is going gray and you've got grown up kids of your own."

"Mom!" Irvine held onto his hair protectively.

"I'm so glad," Esarene said, a bit surprised at the tears that were coming to her eyes. "I'm so glad that you're alive, and okay, and such a wonderful young man…and I want to see you get married and have kids--in a few years, anyway--and to just be here, Irvine…"

*

"Hey Uncle Laguna--"

"Look what we found in a used book shop!"

Jeina and Jochana burst into Laguna's office and dumped a pile of books and magazines onto his desk. Laguna put a smile on his gloomy face.

"Wow! I guess I'll have something to read on the plane tomorrow...these are all Galbadian! How did they get all the way here?"

"I don't know," Jeina said. "Do you like 'em?"

Laguna started flipping through an entertainment magazine that told of the Deling nightclub scene of twenty years ago. "I don't know what to say," he said. "I hate to think of how much you girls spent on these. Tell me, I'll pay you back--"

"Ta-da!" Jochana reached into her pocket and displayed a card. "Dad gave us credit cards for when we go back to school."

"And I figured it's only fair when you buy us so much stuff all the time..."

"And Mom and Dad are just glad that we're buying books!" Jochana and Jeina exchanged a sly look and laughed together. Laguna shook his head.

"I don't know if I should thank you or not," he said. "Gah, I remember when this bar opened! It makes me feel old..."

"Hey, look here." Jeina picked up the magazine that Laguna had been leafing through and looked at the table of contents, then flipped back to a certain page. "You'll have to tell Rinoa--I think that's her mom, isn't it?"

The girl set the magazine back down in front of Laguna, and he almost cried. There was an article about Julia, the dark haired woman smiling at him eternally from that slightly yellowed page.

"Yes..." Laguna said slowly. "Rinoa...will want to see it." He started to read the article; "Pianist Finds her Voice." He had to turn the page before he started crying on it.

The next page had the headline "Rising Stars!" Laguna scanned the photos that accompanied this article, but none were familiar to him. Well, one was, but he couldn't put a name to the face--

"What the heck? I thought Irvine wasn't even born!"

Laguna hadn't realized the girls were reading over his shoulder. "It's not the same Irvine," he said. "I think...that must be Esarene's brother." There was only a paragraph to go along with each of the names on the page, and Irvine Kinneas's only mentioned that he was a songwriter and pianist, only sixteen years old. The young man did bear a striking resemblance to his nephew.

"Oh...then you'll have to take it and show her," Jochana said, her voice teasing. Laguna turned red.

"I'll have to look at these later," he said. "I still have a lot of work to get ready before I leave..." _Thanks to a great deal of procrastination_, he reminded himself ruefully.

*

__

Where was I again?

Esarene looked down at her feet. They were still on the ground, where she'd left them. Sometimes that would happen, she'd get so lost on one tangent or another that she couldn't remember where she was or what she was doing for a second.

And then the real world returned to her, and she sighed. Now the daydream was forgotten--she couldn't even remember what she was thinking about. Probably him--her mind tended to wander in that direction.

__

Stupid, stupid, stupid, she admonished herself. _Daydreaming isn't bringing in any money, and from the look of things I'm going to have to find a new home pretty soon…_

I suppose I've got to figure out for myself--what do I really, really want? And--why can't I have it, dammit? I have my son--I already have more than I dreamed of a year ago--what more do I want?

Esarene sat down to watch the moon rise. _That silly moon, full of monsters, the bane of this planet...why is it so beautiful from a distance?_

*

Late that night, Laguna dozed off at his desk and ended up drooling on a pile of important paperwork. _Crud--now I'm going to have to print those out all over again. _He didn't want to think about it, it was just too late. Instead, he let his mind drift back in time.

In his memories, a younger Laguna stepped off an airplane--he bounded down the steps, heart full of joy. He could remember that joy that carried him when he returned to Winhill, how he wanted more than anything to see her again. He thought of what he'd say, how he'd embrace her and he wouldn't let her out of his sight--

__

Raine, I've got such a story to tell you! Raine, darling, you won't believe it. I came as quickly as I could, love, but I had a lot to do. You see--there's so much I have to tell you--

But I can tell you later, love. Oh, Raine, the most important thing is that I've missed you so much. I never want to be separated from you again, Raine. Forgive me, I'll never leave you alone again. You and me and Elle--we're a real family from now on, I love you so very much--I don't want to live without you. Forever, Raine. The future is so very, very beautiful now--

He remembered finding her headstone, the feeling as if everything he had was shattering. He looked for Ellone, but she was gone as well. They blamed him for Raine's death--the death of a person that he loved more than life. Laguna returned to Esthar a broken man. There were days when he could do nothing, when the pain was too much for him to bear--and days when he thought he could make it. Slowly, the good days began to outnumber the bad.

It had sometimes seemed shameful for the world to continue being beautiful after his loss, but that was the beauty of the world. He found he could still see the bright side of things, and the world still had a place for him. Before he had realized it, seventeen years had passed. His friends' children were growing up. He was...

Laguna decided to go for a walk.

*

"I had hoped you'd come here." Esarene sat on a bench in the shadows—Laguna hadn't even noticed her presence. She sat with her fists in her lap, staring down at the ground and avoiding his gaze. "I'm sorry."

Laguna closed his eyes. "There's nothing you have to apologize for." He turned to leave—and felt his ponytail almost ripped from his head. He made a sound of surprise that sounded like, "Oro?"

"You're not going anywhere," Esarene muttered. 

"I guess I'm not…" Laguna smiled sheepishly, rubbing the back of his head.

"I didn't want to just be a replacement," Esarene continued, "but not being with you hurt, too. It's messing me up. I just don't know what's going on. I'm thirty-eight years old, Laguna, and I still can't…I still don't…"

She stood face to face with him, staring at him with pleading in her eyes. She let her fists fall against his chest, gripping his shirt, a bit off balance. Laguna said nothing. He didn't know what to tell her. He felt so strange.

"Tell me I'm not an idiot," Esarene murmured. "Just…tell me…"

"I don't think you're an idiot," Laguna replied. "You…are…"

Esarene's nails dug into the fabric of his shirt. "What?" she murmured, looking down at the ground. "What are you trying to say to me?" She made a small sound as Laguna's arms engulfed her. He felt so awkward—she could feel his heart pounding. And yet—and yet—

"Esarene." His voice was so quiet, barely more than a whisper. And he tightened his embrace, and Esarene let herself relax against him. She closed her eyes. "This is…"

"…right," Esarene finished for him. She felt her eyes stinging as she snuggled against him. He stroked her hair, running his fingers through the soft curls. She felt so relaxed now, completely comfortable and at ease. Contented in a way she'd never felt before.

"It is," Laguna agreed. _Is this love?_ he asked himself. _Is there only one love for a person in a lifetime? No…that can't be right. It's been such a long time, though…I made the choice, I suppose. But I was so lonely…_

I don't understand how I'm supposed to feel.

I don't understand, but I'm happy anyway.


	13. Rainy Days

Chapter 13: Rainy Days

Rain poured down outside the stone orphanage, and the mood inside was one of gloom and boredom. The children sat together in the living room, draped across the furniture like limp blankets.

"There's nothing to dooo..." Zell was whining.

"We could play hide-and-go-seek again," suggested Sefie.

"But Matron yelled at us last time," Zell said.

"Matron yelled at you because you broke her glass," Quisty corrected him. "Why doesn't someone tell Squall to come back inside? He's gonna catch a cold out there."

Seifer sniffed. "He thinks if he waits out there long enough, Sis will come back," he said. "Stupid. No one comes back when they've left this place."

"Seifer, stop it," Irvy began, but Seifer had that smirk on his face.

"Who'd want to, with you bunch to come back to? I don't blame Sis for going away."

"Seifer, stop it!" repeated Quisty. "If you keep talking like that, I'm gonna tell Matron on you!"

"You can't tell me what to do, Quis-tis," Seifer continued. He ran out of the room.

"Hey, you can't--"

"Just leave him alone," Irvy said. "How about I go ask Matron for some paper so we can all color?"

"I don't feel like it," Zell whined again. "I'm going to my room."

"I'm going to go tell Squall to come inside," Quisty said.

Sefie and Irvy were left alone in the room. "Nobody wants to play all together since Sis's gone," Irvy said.

"Everyone's just sad 'cause it rained. I wanted to go play on the beach, too."

Irvy didn't reply. Although the bandages were off, his skin was still sensitive and pink in places, and Matron told him he couldn't play in the sand or in the sun. He was going to have scars...

"Cheer up. Maybe Squall will color," said Sefie. "Maybe he can draw a picture of Sis."

"Squall never wants to play with anyone anymore. He's--he's such a poop! I wanted to be his friend, but he doesn't ever even talk to me."

"He's just quiet," Sefie said.

"He doesn't do anything," Irvy continued, "and he's mean, meaner than Seifer!"

"Shhh!" Sefie said, looking over Irvy's shoulder. He turned around to see a drenched Squall, with Quistis beside him. Irvy was too upset to back down.

"I mean it," he said.

"Whatever," Squall replied.

"Irvy, no!" Sefie stepped between the boys before Irvy could start a fight. Squall just kept walking, and Quisty followed him.

"Get a towel," she said. "You're dripping all over the floor."

"It's not fair," Irvy said, not quite understanding his own jealousy. All he knew was that everyone loved Squall, even though he never seemed to return the love. "It's not faaair!"

*

"That's enough," said Ellone, awakening Irvine and Selphie. She wiped her eyes. "I knew things changed after I left, but I didn't know…well, thank you. I guess you should be catching your train, shouldn't you?"

"Aren't you coming?" Selphie asked.

"I wasn't invited," Ellone grinned. "And I'm not really interested. It's all official junk, isn't it? Boring…"

"Won't you miss your boyfriend?" Irvine teased. It was common knowledge now that Ellone was dating one of the SeeDs on assignment in Esthar.

"Eh, that's over," Ellone said. "Irreconcilable differences and all that. I'm thinking about traveling again. I got used to it, when I was with the White SeeDs...I'm starting to get restless."

"Really? We'll miss you, Sis," Selphie said.

"Wait a second, I'm not leaving yet!" Ellone said. "Not Esthar, anyway, but I guess I should be heading off. You kids take care, I'll try and catch you when you get back."

Ellone walked down the hallway, her mind made up to catch a glimpse of someone's recent past. The guilt that had lodged itself into her heart was too uncomfortable to ignore.

*

While the SeeDs and Estharian leaders boarded a train to the construction site, Esarene waited in a corridor of the Airstation. Only a few planes currently offered service to the other continent, especially with the issues in Galbadia, and fare was expensive. Esarene had the money--she'd be working overtime for a month or so to make up for it, but that she could handle. The feeling of being watched by a ghost she could not.

Did love make everyone feel this new and wonderful? Some part of her realized that it must, but it was hard to believe this sort of feeling could be ordinary. She felt lucky--Laguna was such an interesting, funny, smart, attractive, wonderful man. Again, she wondered if everyone felt that way about the one they loved, but in her own heart no one else could be so special.

And although she knew little about her, Esarene had to respect the woman he had loved enough to marry. She was more than a little jealous of Raine Loire, and it made her feel uncomfortable to think that if the woman had still been alive, Laguna would have been married to her.

Well, there was no point dwelling on the what-ifs. Laguna had been a widower for seventeen years, and Esarene had been alone for just as long. More than anything else, she wanted to be with him.

But it seemed right to go to Winhill now. She could be back in Esthar before Laguna returned from the construction site, and hopefully then she'd have a clearer sense of direction.

*

Esarene sat down in front of the grave and sighed. "So you're the one," she said. "His first wife. You must have been a wonderful person to have earned his love. I envy you.

"Perhaps, when you meet again in whatever comes after this, you'll be able to be with him again. Forever and ever. But would it be so bad to let me have him for just a little while, here in this world? If you know Laguna, you know that he needs someone to take care of him. And he's lonely. I can feel it.

"I may not be as good as you, but I'll do my best, I promise. Laguna deserves someone to spend his days with. Someone who can love him and be there for him. He deserves to have a family, to have children and watch them grow. I know that's what he wanted with you, but things went wrong.

"And he still loves you. He'll never stop loving you. And he's sad at heart, for losing almost everything that he loved. It's a tough burden to bear. You know how he is, always grinning and joking around--but I can feel that it's hollow.

"I want to make him happy, Raine. I know you would want him to be happy, and I think I can do it. I don't want him to forget you--but I know you wouldn't want to bring him pain. And it's been seventeen years. Wounds heal. Perhaps they leave scars, but they shouldn't hurt any longer than they have to.

"I love him, Raine, and I'll go on loving him whether or not I have your permission. I can't help it. But I didn't want things to go on behind your back, either. After all, I know that if Laguna loved you, you must be a wonderful woman." She didn't know what else to say, and just waited. For what, she wasn't sure--a dead woman couldn't reply--

Out of nowhere, she heard the gentle sprinkling of raindrops. A moment ago, there hadn't been a cloud in the sky, and the sun beat down heavily. Now, a cloud drifted by, showering the parched world with cool drops of water. It passed over Esarene, and she looked up, and for a moment saw a rainbow through the falling rain. The world felt more peaceful, more alive.

She stood, feeling as if something had been lifted in that moment. Her eyes widened as she realized that something she'd lost a long time ago had returned. "Thank you, Raine."

*

She couldn't get back to her room quickly enough. Her notebook was already full of scribblings, and she copied them into the computer console in her suite, turning them into something more coherent.

Esarene typed madly into the console, not knowing how long she sat there as the words flowed out of her. The story of Brylen--yes, Brylen, of years past!--and it was going onto the screen, page after page, the writer in a state of bliss. The novel that had been bottled up inside her for years was finally free, reborn, and the pain of loss and loneliness poured away with it.

*

Irvine became nervous when his mother didn't come to lunch or dinner, and went to find what was wrong. He knocked on the door.

"Come in," Esarene called. Irvine twisted the doorknob and found the door unlocked.

"Are you sick?" Irvine wondered.

"Come in the office, I can't hear you," Esarene called to him. She sounded positively gleeful. _If Laguna's in there--though he claims to be at the construction site today..._ Irvine thought, turning pink. But his mother was alone, her fingers flying across the keyboard.

"I can write again," she announced, standing up and hugging him tightly. "I can write again! It's been seventeen years--seventeen years! But I'm writing! Look, I'm writing!"

"That's great," Irvine said. "Aren't you hungry, though?"

"I didn't even think about food," Esarene said. "What time is it?"

"Eight-thirty," Irvine replied. Esarene's stomach growled. "We can still get something to eat."

"Do you think you could be kind and bring me something back? I don't think I can stop." She flexed her fingers out--they felt a bit stiff--and sat back down in front of the computer.

"Don't your eyes hurt?"

"No," Esarene replied. She typed, her fingers seeming almost separated from her conscious self. The story had been bubbling in her brain for twenty years, and now it burst forth like a waterfall. _I'm _alive_,_ she thought in gleeful wonder.

"Irvine, I feel like I'm twenty years younger," Esarene said. "I haven't written anything since my brother died--not a single word. I tried, but I couldn't. And I just existed. And now I've met you, and Laguna, and I've come back to life. And now I'm being reunited with another very old, very close friend. I almost feel like his spirit is in this room, with us--maybe he's always been with me, I just haven't known how to listen."

"Your brother?"

"Yes. Irvine, meet Irvine." Esarene grinned. Irvine was a bit nervous, but it did feel like there was something uncanny about the room. He couldn't remember ever seeing his mother so happy. _She always wanted to be a writer, _he thought. _She's--it's like she's realizing for the first time that a dream she dreamed throughout her childhood is coming true. The burden is lifted away._

"How it should have been," Esarene said, talking more to her story than to Irvine. "How it should have been, Brylen. Or Irvine."

Irvine turned to leave. Esarene was in her own world now, and he decided to let her make peace with herself without any more interruptions. 

*

"Esarene?" Laguna knocked again. No answer still. He pushed the door and found it unlocked. "Esarene..." All he could hear was a soft humming sound, the buzz that was the pulse of Esthar. He followed the sound to the office of the suite, where a blue screen hummed an undertone, a lullaby for the sleeping Esarene. She had her arms folded on her desk, her head resting on them.

He touched her shoulder.

"Don't bother me, go ahead and read it," she mumbled. "I think you'll like it, Irvy..."

__

Since when does she call her son Irvy? Laguna wondered. The screen displayed the lines of a story, and Laguna scrolled up to the beginning. There were so many pages...is this what Esarene had been doing? She'd written all of this?

Esarene was a writer? Laguna began to read.

"Once upon a time," it read, "once upon a time there were two children, brother and sister. It was so long ago that the years no longer mattered. Their names aren't important. But one day, the brother asked his sister to tell him a story, and she did. She told the story for years, even after her brother was no longer with her. And it is the story that remains."

"Oh, Laguna, when did you get here?" yawned Esarene. She stretched and sat up in her chair.

"You wrote all of this?" Laguna asked. A smile tugged at the corners of Esarene's lips, but her vigor of a few hours earlier failed her.

"I can write again," she said. "My fingers hurt."

Laguna took her cold hands in his and warmed them with his breath. "How long have you been in here?"

"I don't know, what time is it?"

"Five AM. I just got back from the construction site, and I wanted to stop by if you were still awake."

"I don't even know when I fell asleep. I've been in here since I got back from Winhill this morning."

"Winhill?" Laguna echoed. "You were in Winhill?"

"Yeah, there was something I had to deal with," she said. Something Irvine had said still nagged at her. She stood up. "Is it just because I remind you of your wife?" she wondered.

Laguna hadn't even thought about that. It simply hadn't occurred to him--they were almost nothing alike. "No," he said. "When I look at you, I don't see Raine. No, not at all. You're two very different people. Raine would never get into a water fight with me. She'd disapprove of the whole idea. Justifiably, of course.

"A lot of time has passed since then. I'm not the man I was at the time, and...you're not who you were. We're the same, and we're different, too. Like, how we've both got children we didn't see--and, oh, am I making any sense at all?"

Esarene sighed. "To tell you the truth, I've never felt this way before--not the way I feel with you," she confided in him. "With Irvine's father--I was just infatuated, really. I let myself get tricked into thinking I was in love, but this is totally different. I don't know what to do."

"Me neither," Laguna replied. They stood in silence, Esarene's forehead against his chin, her hands still clasped in his. 

"What are you doing here at five in the morning?" Esarene asked him.

"I missed you," Laguna whispered. "I couldn't think about anything else. I'm sorry to disturb you--"

"It's all right," Esarene assured him. "It's all right. It's about time, isn't it?" She broke away from him for a moment, just long enough to shut the computer down. Then she embraced him again. Laguna returned the embrace, running his fingers through her thick waves of hair. They stood there for some time, in silent company, not knowing what to say and not needing to know.

"I...I should probably get back to my room," Laguna said awkwardly, breaking the silence.

"Then I'm coming with you," Esarene replied.


	14. Fragile Peace

****

Chapter 14: Fragile Peace

"Mom?" Irvine knocked on the door to his mother's room, Selphie beside him. "You aren't still writing, are you? Come on, Mom, you've got to eat eventually." Irvine knocked on the door more loudly, but received no reply. "Hello?"

"That's weird," said Selphie. "We haven't seen either of them this morning."

"Them?" echoed Irvine.

"Neither your mom nor Sir Laguna. I know they got back from the construction site early this morning, so Laguna should be here..."

"Oh, man. No..."

"Huh?"

"Selphie, can I use your phone?"

*

"Hello, you've reached the President of Esthar, Laguna Loire. I can't come to the phone right now, so please leave a message after the tone. Catch ya later!" _Beeeeep._

"Aaaaaaaaaaauuuuuugggggghhhhhh!"

"What the hell?" Esarene woke with a start, sitting up straight in bed. She blinked at the sunlight streaming in through the window and looked around for a clock. The glare made the numbers on Laguna's clock impossible to read, and she crawled over Laguna to shade the display with her hand.

"Good morning," Laguna said.

"Afternoon," Esarene corrected him. "For almost a half hour, now."

"Mm," Laguna replied, indifferent. They kissed, and Esarene curled up against his side.

"You've got a message on your answering machine," she said, playing with his dogtags. Did Laguna ever take them off? He made a sound of acknowledgment, smiling down at her in complete contentment. Esarene returned both the smile and the emotion. "So what do you think they'll say about us?" she wondered.

"What do you mean?" Laguna murmured back.

"When they find out what we did," Esarene explained.

"You think they will?"

"I think Irvine already suspects," Esarene said, thinking of the phone call that had awakened her. "But why does it matter? We're adults, after all."

"Yeah...I guess." Laguna sounded a bit uncomfortable, and Esarene coughed.

"Well, if you don't approve, I can be going now..."

"For some reason, I don't think you mean that," Laguna replied, pulling the blankets back over them, his voice barely more than a whisper.

__

Rrrring.

"Phone's ringing," Esarene noted.

"That it is," Laguna replied.

__

Rrrring.

"People are probably getting worried," Laguna said.

"That's their problem."

__

Rrrring.

"I haven't woken up next to anyone for about eighteen years," Laguna murmured. 

"I never knew it could be so nice," Esarene replied.

__

Rrrring.

"So I guess we'd better make up for lost time, hmm?"

"Something like that..."

"Hello, you've reached the President of Esthar, Laguna Loire. I can't come to the phone right now, so please leave a message after the tone. Catch ya later!" _Beeeeep._

"Laguna?" The voice belonged to Kiros. "Hello, Laguna...I know you're in there! Pick up the phone! Hello...I'm waiting..."

But Laguna wasn't listening. And it was a very good thing that the answering machine only provided a one-way connection.

*

"They probably just don't want to be bothered," Selphie said. "You know, it's kind of cute."

"But it's not _your _mom," Irvine said.

"I still think you're taking it way out of proportion," Selphie said. "Why don't you ask Squall what he thinks?"

"I though he was leaving today," Irvine said.

"Not 'til tonight. And you'd think he'd want to say good-bye to Laguna before he left, wouldn't you?"

Irvine found Squall sitting on a couch in one of the palace waiting rooms, reading a magazine. "Hey, Squall," he called.

"Yeah," Squall said, not looking up from his magazine.

"I called, and-"

"I know." Squall and Irvine exchanged glances, both of their glum faces red with embarrassment. "Your mom..."

"And your dad..."

Irvine let out an agonized moan, looking down at the floor.

"I can't decide what's worse, the fact that our _parents_ are doing _that, _or the fact that they're getting some when we...aren't." Irvine shook his head, and Squall shrugged.

"_You're_ not," he said.

"Yeah, like you've gotten anywhere," Irvine said. "But really, I haven't even had a mother for all that long. I wasn't ready for this."

Squall shrugged again. "I guess it's really none of my business, what he decides to do."

"He's your father, though," Irvine said.

"It's not the same."

"He's doing the best he can," Irvine said. "Well, we can't keep running away from it. Let's go."

"What are you talking about?" 

"We should face them." 

"It's not the time," Squall said, turning away.

"This is our business, too," Irvine said. "I mean, if things don't work out for them, things could get really awkward. And if they do work out...I don't know. But they can't just ignore us."

"Why not? It's what they've done for most of their lives."

Irvine groaned. "That's why things have gotta change, now," he said. "They are parents, they need to act like parents. We're going to talk to them."

Squall put his hand to his forehead. "Whatever."

*

"Geez, Laguna, how long are you going to take?"

"Um...well, it's not like this is something I do all the time..."

"You're pathetic. I used to do this for a living, you know."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Forget it, I'm coming." Esarene sighed.

"No, it's all right, I can--ah--ow!" His sentence ended in an exclamation of pain.

"Crap." Esarene came running. She had pulled on a shirt of Laguna's that almost came down to her knees, in order to attain some sort of decency. In the kitchen, Laguna was clutching his hand and cursing.

"Run it under cold water," Esarene said. She started the water in the sink and dragged his hand under it. "What were you thinking?" She examined the strange Estharian oven and turned a dial on the front. "You ran the wrong burner."

"I was wondering why it wasn't getting hot."

Esarene shook her head and started the right burner. "I'll remember this the next time I ask you for oatmeal. No, keep your hand under the water a little longer. Let me look--what did you do?"

"Well, I was trying to see why it wasn't getting hot, and I put my hand down on the stove to lean and see if something was wrong in the back--"

"Poor, poor thing," Esarene whispered. "I just can't trust you on your own, can I? I don't know how you managed to survive on your own for so long."

"I've cooked before," Laguna replied softly.

"We should probably put some ice on your poor hand," said Esarene. "I guess I can't blame you. It is sorta hard to tell by looking which burner is running on this stupid thing. But--but--how long have you been living here?"

Laguna sighed. Esarene filled a bowl with water and ice and told him to put his hand in it. He complied, then yanked it out with a yelp.

"It'll keep the burn from getting worse," she said. She heard the water boiling on the stove, and added the dry oatmeal to the water. Laguna gritted his teeth and placed his burned hand in the freezing water until he couldn't stand it any longer. He examined his dripping, half-numbed palm. His left hand...where the ring...

Esarene finished stirring and glanced over at Laguna. He had such an odd expression on his face. The pan of oatmeal rested on the kitchen counter, cooling. Laguna didn't seem to notice her presence.

"Esa..." he began, choking on the word. His hand was throbbing, but that was only the beginning of the pain. He blinked, and was surprised to feel a tear run down his cheek. Was he feeling guilty? No...it wasn't guilt...

Esarene hugged him, as a friend rather than a lover. "Laguna," she murmured. "It's all right."

Laguna returned the embrace numbly, and he cried. They didn't say or do anything more. This was another old heartache, and Esarene provided a trusted shoulder upon which he could cry. _He couldn't even share this with Ward and Kiros,_ she thought. _Stupid men. After all this time..._

It was Laguna who broke the silence, sniffing and wiping his eyes with the sleeve of his robe. "Oatmeal's...probably cold, now." he said, his voice still choked with tears.

"It's not important." She couldn't release him just yet. "I...I'll always be here for you, Laguna," she said. "From now on. I don't want you to hurt anymore."

Laguna closed his tear-reddened eyes. "I know," he whispered back to her. "Thank you."

*

After breakfast they curled up on the couch for a while, Laguna lying with his head in Esarene's lap. She stroked his hair and looked at him, speech unnecessary. The outside world did not exist for them.

There was something in quiet moments like this that Esarene couldn't describe, no matter how good with words she might otherwise be. Here was absolute peace and contentment. Her only fear was that this moment might end--it was too fragile, anything could shatter it.

__

But I shouldn't fear anything, she thought, _because now I know, I can always come back to him._

The doorbell buzzed.

"No," Laguna murmured. "Not yet."

"I don't feel like going back to the real world, either," Esarene sighed. "But if they're coming to the door, I guess it must be important." The doorbell buzzed again. "And they're not going away."

"I guess I should go see, then. I can just say I slept in..."

"Why bother?" Esarene asked him. Another, longer buzz from the doorbell.

"Goddamn persistent," he muttered, sitting up. "Coming!"

When he opened the door, Irvine and Squall all but fell through it. "She's here, isn't she!" Irvine shouted.

Laguna blinked. "What are you talking about?"

Irvine moaned. "We can't take this," he explained. "It's just-too-weird. Where have you been? Where's my mom?" Irvine demanded.

"This...isn't really a good time..."

"It's all right, I should probably be going, anyway." Esarene emerged from one of the back rooms, fully dressed. "Oh, hello," she said calmly to Squall and Irvine, her eyes dancing.

"This isn't what it looks like," Laguna said hurriedly. Esarene laughed behind her hand.

"What the hell is it, then?!" demanded Irvine.

Esarene laughed at him. "What do you mean, 'this isn't what it looks like'? You might as well have said, 'I've been in here, having sex with Irvine's mom,' and the effect would have been the same."

Both Squall and Laguna buried their faces in their hands, Laguna's face burning red. Irvine, on the other hand, nearly passed out cold. Esarene had to help him remain standing.

"Or I could have just come in here to show him the novel I was working on," she continued, when it became apparent that no one else was in much of a condition to speak. "It's not really your concern, is it?" She shook her head. "You look like fish, with your mouths hanging open like that."

Now Squall spoke. "So, you're in love, then?"

"I think so," Esarene said.

"I hope so," Laguna said.

"Good for you."

Irvine couldn't manage to get any words out. "Mom, I--uh--I didn't--mean--"

"Don't worry about it," Esarene sighed. "I'm sure everyone has other things to worry about."

"Laguna, have you been lazing about in here all day?" Now Kiros was entering the room. "I tried to call you. Or did you forget that Coray Akito is coming today?"

Laguna scratched the back of his head. "But not until five, right?"

"And it's almost four, and there are fifty reporters out there wanting to talk to you. Shall I tell them that you've been in here with your girlfriend all day?"

Laguna winced. "No, I'll be right out," he said. "Esarene, I--"

"Go," Esarene said. "It's important. Good luck." She kissed his cheek.

"Oh, god," Irvine said. "You're already acting like you're married."

It was Esarene's turn to blush after that.


	15. The Awaited Arrival and an Unexpected De...

Chapter 15: The Anticipated Arrival and an Unexpected Departure 

"President Loire, it's a pleasure to finally meet you." 

"Laguna, please," the President replied as he shook the hand of Coray Akito. The exiled Galbadian president was less than an inch shorter than Laguna, and her straight, red-blond hair was tied back in a ponytail. She looked about the same age as Esarene. Behind her was an escort of SeeDs, led by none other than... 

"Yo, Laguna! How's it going?" 

"Hey, Zell!" Laguna pulled his hand back as if to smack the SeeD five, but thought better of it at the last minute and the two just shook hands vigorously instead. Coray hid a smile behind her hand. "Welcome to Esthar. I wish the circumstances could be better, but it's still a pleasure to have you here." 

Reporters and journalists were snapping pictures and following them with video cameras, keeping some distance from the political figures but still shouting questions. Two people were pushing their way through the crowd, and they broke free of the mob of reporters. 

"Zell, why didn't you tell us you were coming to Esthar?" Irvine called. 

"Hey, hey, top secret, man!" 

"So top secret you couldn't even tell your fellow SeeDs?" Selphie teased. "Come on, Zell, what's going on?" 

"I'm here on business, you know," Zell said. 

"You can catch up later," Anita told the SeeDs as they made their way towards the Presidential Palace. "Right now, there is business to take care of. A meeting, a dinner, and a press conference, and then more meetings..." 

"What a drag," Irvine groaned. "This is so boring." 

"I'd rather beat the shi-crud out of some monsters any day," Zell agreed, grinning and waving at one of the video cameras. 

"Then if you've got any spare time, you should go on patrol with my mom," Irvine replied. 

"Eheh...maybe not." Zell still hadn't really gotten over the weirdness of that although Esarene was hot, she was also Irvine's mother. "Man...I still can't believe that Valdaeve jerk is your dad." 

"Zell!" Irvine began, but it was too late. The reporters had overheard him, and now there was nothing that could hold them back. _ Oh, man... _

Well, at least my mom's not around. 

* 

Esarene was sitting on her bed, watching Akito's arrival on television, and she winced as the words left Zell's mouth. _ Oh...oh, shit. Why did he say that? _

On the television, Irvine and Selphie were being evasive. _ Oh, yeah, that's right. Start the rumor mill going. Not that there's anything I can do about it, now... _

Dammit...dammit, dammit, dammit, what can I do? I can't change the past...I wouldn't want to, Irvine is wonderful. But no matter what I say, no matter what I do, people will think the worst. They'll never trust me. 

I can't stay here. But if I run away, it'll just confirm everyone's suspicions...dammit! 

Her suite seemed so empty, now. It felt like a joke...what was she doing, living in the Estharian Presidential Palace? She was just a normal woman, with no role in this play of heroes. But Laguna... 

_I love Laguna._

She sat perfectly still on her bed, her hands clenched around the blankets beneath her. The television was still on, showing commercials, but she didn't even notice any more. 

_I can't...I can't bring him down with this. It's a scandal...no one will trust me, and if I stay with him, it'll hurt his reputation. _

I just don't give up, do I? Esarene tried to laugh at herself through the tears. _ I just wish he were here to hug me. But he's got more important things to worry about, and so should I._

She got up off her bed and turned off the television. She was getting so used to living in this place...her things were all over the floor. Not that she had that much; a few books, papers, clothing. It would have been so nice to make this place her home. 

She started gathering up her things, putting them in piles. She still had her suitcase, but not everything would fit into it...some things she might have to mail... 

"Esarene!" 

"What?" Laguna was standing in her doorway. "What are you...doing here?" she asked, trying to wipe tears away from her face and look normal. 

"Are you all right? It slipped out on TV-who Irvine's father is-" 

"I know," Esarene said "I'm fine. It'll be all right." 

"Esarene..." Laguna stepped towards her, and she practically fell into his embrace. He hugged her, but Esarene would not look straight at him. 

"I should get ready to go," she whispered. 

"What are you talking about?" Laguna said. "I don't want you to be hurt by this." 

"Me?" Esarene laughed. "I'm no one important. You're the President-you're the one who stands to be hurt by this!" 

"What are you talking about?" Laguna said. "Esarene-Esarene, it's okay. I don't care. It doesn't make a difference." 

"Only because it hasn't had time to turn into a scandal!" Esarene said. 

"Aren't you listening? I don't care!" Laguna shook her gently, then leaned in to kiss her firmly on the lips. "No matter what, I trust you. I'm going to stand behind you, no matter what." He looked her in the eyes. 

"I don't deserve that," Esarene said. 

"I don't want to let go of you," said Laguna. "Can you understand that? If you...disappeared..." Esarene looked up and saw that he was crying. 

"Oh, Laguna..." She kissed his face. "I don't want to leave you, I just thought-it would be better-" 

"It wouldn't," said Laguna. "Will you stay...please?" 

Esarene's heart was pounding. It had been so long since anyone had wanted her...was this some sort of dream? "I'll stay," she whispered. "For as long as you want me, I'll be here." 

"Thank you." Laguna held onto her, and they stood still and silent for a while. 

"Don't you have a meeting to go to?" Esarene asked. 

"I guess I do," Laguna sighed. "I'd rather stay with you..." 

"I'll be here when you get back," Esarene said. 

"Promise?" He looked at her with wide, sad, innocent eyes. 

Esarene grinned. "Promise." 

"Maybe you don't want to hang around here, though," Laguna thought. "I'll try to redirect the questioning, but I don't want you to have to deal with the reporters..." 

"I could use a walk..." Esarene said. "When do you think you'll be done?" 

"Hmm...probably eight or so..." Laguna said. 

"I'll be waiting for you in the park at eight, then," Esarene said. 

"Esarene..." Laguna whispered. 

"We'll talk later," she said. "You should go." 

* 

Esarene went out to see more of Laguna's country. Fortunately, most people didn't recognize her-not that there were many people out at all. Estharian soldiers patrolled the streets, on guard for more monster attacks. The streets felt so empty--they should have been filled with the sounds of people moving about their business, talking, children playing, but instead, there was only the sound of an occasional saucer-transport flying by. 

An imp caught her by surprise, but she defeated it without much trouble. Her shoulder wasn't even bothering her today. 

The soldiers became more numerous and closer together as she approached the residential section of town. They acknowledged her as she passed through their guarded perimeter with nods. 

Here there were actually people in the streets. The Estharian style of clothing still looked a bit strange, but they were at least human. And they didn't know or care who she was, or what she had done, either last night or eighteen years ago. There was refuge in anonymity. 

"Why do you always get to be Squall?" a small boy was whining. Esarene saw a group of children gathered around a doorway. 

"Because I got a gunblade," a taller boy replied, slashing the air with a plastic replica. 

"You can be Seifer," the first boy mumbled. 

"But I don't wanna be one of the bad guys! You be Seifer!" 

"I wanna be Squall!" The whiny boy looked on the brink of tears. 

"Why don't you let him have a turn, Darin?" a girl asked. 

"What, so you can be Rinoa? Kayri and Mickel, sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S--" he began to sing tauntingly, some of the other children joining in. 

"Stop it!" the girl called Kayri shouted. "I just don't think it's fair that you never let anyone else have a turn, that's all. And I wanted to be Quistis. So there." _Irvine should be amused when I tell him about this,_ she thought. A sarcastic voice began to sing in her head,_ Laguna and Esarene, sitting in a tree..._ She could see everyone in the Presidential Palace singing it, and began to laugh to herself. 

"Whatcha laughing at?" Esarene blinked and looked around for the source of the small voice--then looked down. A little girl of about four or five years looked back up at her. 

"Oh, nothing," Esarene replied. 

"They're doing it again," the little girl said, indicating the older children who were arguing about who got to play Squall. The argument was beginning to get violent. "Now they're gonna get in trouble." She had a rather clear voice for someone so young, though her tone was still that of a small child. 

"Are they your friends?" Esarene asked. 

The girl shook her head. "They're too old," she said. "Kayri's nice, sometimes, but the others are mean." 

"Is your mother around somewhere?" Esarene asked. No one seemed to be keeping an eye on the small girl. The girl nodded. 

"She's inside. She told me to go out and play for a bit, but Kayri's busy, and nobody else ever plays with me." The girl kicked a stone across the ground. 

"I see," Esarene said. 

"I've never seen you before," the girl added. "What's your name?" 

"Esarene," Esarene replied, finding it somewhat odd that the girl hadn't been taught to stay away from strangers. 

"I'm Valeshia," she said, lisping on the s-sound in her name. "I'm going to be your friend, all right, Esarene?" 

Esarene blinked. The conviction in her voice sounded strange, especially coming from so small a child. But she could believe this strange girl, even though there was something that didn't fit right about her, something that nagged at her from a corner of her mind. 

"If we're going to be friends," Esarene said, "You should call me Reney. That's what my friends call me." 

Valessia smiled and giggled. "And you can call me Val!" The way she laughed reminded Esarene of her son Irvine, long ago. Part of her missed it. 

Reney drew a board on the sidewalk for Val to play hopscotch on, and Kayri and another one of the younger children eventually joined them. Esarene was enjoying herself, and didn't realize that the sun was beginning to set. 

"When are you coming back?" she heard a woman's voice cry. 

"Uh-oh," whispered Valessia. 

"I will when I can, all right?" a man's voice responded. "Don't cry, you're making a scene." 

"What do you mean, I'm making a scene? You're the one who only comes around here when you want money!" 

"Well, we've got the money, don't we? I do my job, I pay the bills, all right? What more do you want from me?" 

"You're a disgrace. They say you've got all the time in the world for children--yeah, all children except for your own!" 

"I'm doing what I can, all right?" 

"You're a coward." A woman opened the front door of the house from which the yelling was coming. A blond man walked past her, out into the street. Everything else seemed to have frozen--all eyes were on him, but he didn't seem to care. "You're a coward!" the woman shouted after him. He didn't turn around, just kept on walking. 

"Daddy..." Valessia whispered as the man walked by them, but he didn't even look at her. 

"I'm sorry, Valessia," the woman in the doorway--Valessia's mother--said, her voice choked with tears. "I know he loves you very much, he just...has a hard time..." 

"It's okay." Val didn't remain upset for long. "Mommy, this is my new friend Reney!" Esarene stood up and smiled. It felt strange, being introduced to a mother who was at least ten years younger than she was. 

The woman managed a smile. "Thank you for looking after her," she said. "I'm sorry, I must look--strange--" 

"It's all right, it's all right," Esarene replied. "Val is a very nice girl." 

"You're a very nice girl too, Reney!" Val replied. Esarene's cheeks colored. 

"Supper's almost ready," Val's mother said. "I had hoped your father would join us, too, but..." she drifted off. 

"I gotta go eat now," Val said to Esarene. "Come and play with me again, okay, Reney?" 

Esarene smiled. "Okay," she said. "I should head home now, too, before it gets any darker." 

"Will you be all right on your own?" Val's mother called. 

"I shouldn't have any problems," Esarene replied. "It's not far to the next station, and I know how to fend for myself." 

"Bye-bye!" Val called after her. She waved back at the little girl. 

"Bye!" she said. 

As she walked, her thoughts turned back to Laguna. She felt as if her feet couldn't carry her quickly enough. The sky was getting darker faster than she would have liked, but her spirits were light. She still had time to get back to meet him. There would be unpleasant things, surely, but she was wanted... 

Finally, she reached the station for the hovering disc-transportation unit. And her smile vanished from her face. 

Something horrible had happened here. Three soldiers were lying on the ground, their bodies ripped by some monster's talons, the ground splattered with red blood. Esarene was on her guard at once, turning around slowly, watching for any sudden movements. She had the uncomfortable--no, terrifying--feeling of being watched. 

She cast a fire spell to light up the area, and saw it reflected in a pair of eyes, trained upon her. There were more of them--she stopped counting at ten, enough to know that she was surrounded. Nowhere to run... 

"Esarene Kinneas," she heard a man's voice say. "Our orders aren't to hurt you. If you cooperate, you won't be harmed." 

"What is this?" Esarene demanded. "What do you want?" She heard a monster's hiss and swallowed. She had to get out of here alive...had to fight...her heart was pounding in her chest, head swimming with a million fears. 

"Please don't put up a fight. Unless you'd like some of my friends to assist in the...persuasion." The circle was closing in on her, and she saw the forms of various monsters. Too many...I'm surrounded... 

She heard a spell being cast, and cried out as it struck her. _Gotta fight it..._ The world was going black. _Laguna...I'm sorry..._


End file.
